Magical Truthsaying Bastard Shadesong (shadesong) wrote,
Magical Truthsaying Bastard Shadesong
shadesong

  • Mood:
I have much emotional tangliness right now. Burst into tears in the car, on the way home from grocery shopping.

Two things.

The one that I don't like, but didn't make me cry:

We have three options, if Adam does not get a Boston job in time for Elayna to start school there.

1. We all stay here, and switch her in midyear when Adam gets a job.
2. Adam stays here, and Elayna and I rent a room up north.
3. Elayna starts school in Florida; the district my parents are in is a very good school district. If she's going to be switching schools midyear anyway, she may as well start off at a good school.

I have a Thing against Florida. I hate Florida. A big part of that is because my mother and I drive each other crazy. But that isn't all.

But I owe it to Elayna to consider option 3. Because it's better than option 1, and could be better than option 2.


Extension.

The best thing for us may be the thing I want least to do.

If we lived in Florida, it would be good for us financially, for Elayna educationally, and for me physically (access to swimming pool = recommended for my back).

And I would not be as isolated as I am here. Most of the people I care about are in the Northeast. A very few are down South, but they're significant ones.

The thing that made me cry:

I feel infantilized. And no, that's not my kink. I'm trying to make the decision that's best for everyone, but if I make this decision, I'm putting myself in a place where I have to rely upon everyone for everything (zero public transit - I wouldn't even be able to get to a grocery store, much less a coffeehouse), and I re-establish a dependence on my parents. If I move back to Florida, Elayna gets everything she needs, I get things that are better for my body, but what my action says, in big neon letters, is I cannot take care of myself.

And dammit, I have spent years working hard and proving that I can.

So would this be doing the responsible thing? Or giving up? Fighting the shit that goes on with my body... how much fighting is too much? Rolling over and giving up on everything is Bad - but at what point am I damaging myself by continuing to fight?

What's best is Adam getting a job in Boston. If not that... I honestly do not know. I need to not let my pride keep me from making the best decision. But I have no freakin' clue what the best decision is. And there's a hell of a lot riding on it.
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