“[Apologies! "Body too long," says the transcription thingy when I tried to submit it in full, so the rest of it is in a comment.]
This is my last-ditch attempt to get something done for nonficwrimo. Tendonitis sidelined me very early into Februrary, so I got exactly nothing done for it and I feel bad about that, and this in no way makes up for it, but I figured I'd try.
Um, I've never dictated something like this before. Um... I do much better in writing and uh, we'll see if anything coherent comes out of me.
On July 1st 1994, I woke up very early in the morning. We were living at Donald's then, which was... I'll do an entire description of Donald's probably in a separate post, but the area we were in is important. It had two... what they called, is it Bahama beds or Bermuda beds? The ones that are just, like, little couches. And they were perpendicular to each other with an end table between them. When it was just Donald and I sleeping at the place, he would have one and I would have one. But when Layne was there, Layne and I would sleep on the floor together. And Layne had happened to be there.
So I got up, and I kissed him, and I went to the store. And I shoplifted a pregnancy test. I was, at this point, a week late on my period, and I am never late except when I'm pregnant. I'm very predictable. This was also, this was about three weeks following the rape, so I was very nervous about it and I hadn't spoken to anybody about being late because I wanted to be sure before I started panicking.
So I went and I got the test, and I came back. Donald was gone, Layne was still sleeping. He had been high for quite some time, I think this was a week-long stretch, and when you finally let yourself come down from crystal meth, you <i>really</i> come down. You really crash, emotionally and physically, and he could sleep for days when he'd come down.
So I tiptoed past him and I went into the bathroom and closed the door. And I peed on the stick. And I just sat there and watched. I didn't bring a book in, I didn't have anything to distract me. I just sat there... and watched. And the second line was really faint to begin with, and you have that hope, sort of, when you're watching something like that, that it's, y'know, a mistake. That that's not really turning pink. But it became a very definite line.
And I sat there. And... didn't know what to do. Because this was not the ideal time in my life to have a child. First off, I didn't know if this was going to be the child of the rapist, or of Layne. I got the pregnancy test right after the rape, as part of the general hospital procedure, and it had come back negative. And that was the day of the rape. So, I had had sex with Layne since the rape. I pretty much wanted to get right back on that horse, because I figured if I didn't, then it was going to become this huge obstacle.
So there were two choices. And one of them was good and one of them wasn't. Also, I knew what I'd been doing to my body. At this point, I was still using crystal meth quite a lot, in addition to some other things, and... basically it's the kind of moment that really leaves you frozen. I have no idea how long I sat there. Just, sort of staring at the two lines.”