Magical Truthsaying Bastard Shadesong (shadesong) wrote,
Magical Truthsaying Bastard Shadesong

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Thor's Day

Hello to new reader feonixrift, and to whoever both Joule and my eyes are failing to pick up! (This was a lot easier when I only had about 50 readers, I tell you.

The usual exhaustion + nausea. Took meds late-ish today, so we'll see. Got sleep last night, which should help, of course, or at least not make things worse!

There will be no pile-on-him. This is Over. But I'm processing for my own brain. I will not shut up anymore.

That said, a bunch of you are his friends too. I assure you that no vitriol will be slung his way - I don't believe he was malicious. But you may not want to read my ambling-on. And I don't quite know how I should handle that. There's bits of him tangled up, but it's mostly me, and the stuff like me-not-writing is too Important to cut-tag. So. I don't know. Just - I respect that you're out there, there'll be no vitriol, and as said yesterday, I don't believe in the Geek Social Fallacies; I see no reason why any friendships have to be divided, and I hope none are.

* The post yesterday was a symptom of this - it's emblematic of something I've been railing against for months, the not-talking then the vomiting forth a bunch of stuff and having people think "How did you get from there to here?" Which drove me batshit when he did it. So I'm probably going to be writing out how I got from there to here, at least just for myself, as part of my mindmapping.

* I had someone ask whether people around me saw that something was wrong. Well, that's part of why I'm moving to Boston - here, there *are* no people around me. Just me cocooning, tightening in on myself in my basement office, never leaving the house because there's no one to leave it with these days. (Yes, I really miss Rin.) Adam knew, but Adam's not like me - he waited patiently for me to figure myself a way out of it, whereas I'd've been hauling someone in that position up and saying "What's the deal?"

* My biggest warning bell: I haven't been writing. It is very worthy of note that the only time I've written anything since early December, the only time I've written consistently since midNovember... is on the plane on the way back from visiting Spooky.

I can see this in retrospect. I wasn't writing - shit, that's a problem. But at the time, I was heavily depressed and not much able to parse that. So I'm going to be working harder to recognize that, but also, I deputize y'all - if I'm not writing and not talking about writing, please feel free to poke me and ask if I'm okay. Because chances are, I'm not.

* Yes, those comments will remain screened - you are safe to speak your piece.

* Why do I believe promises, as a few asked? Because I'm hardcoded to never, ever break them. On an instinctive level, I think our brains think every other brain works like theirs. I've been able to train my brain out of that in some places, but that's hardcoded, and it would take difficulty, would take actual sitting down and telling myself things over and over, to remind myself that not everyone is like that.

This ties into the post on Honor that I keep threatening, that's hard to write because it's so instinctive. You keep promises. You help those who need help, whenever you can. You act for the greater good. And I guess I've been easy to fool on these things, because my assumption is so strong. Not that he intended to fool me. He just offered and promised things that he wasn't ready to do, in the glow of NRE - and then, instead of working on a way to compromise or be okay with those promises, he broke them, and then every minor promise to boot, and my brain isn't prepared for that. (And no, it isn't only that; far, far from it.)

But this is not about him. This is just about... with my childhood and adolescence, why am I still so hardcoded to believe promises? How did I even get that way in the first place? I have no idea, and I think that'll be a thing I'll want to mindmap.

* I got some interesting stuff in comments and e-mail that I'm putting here for my reference, without quoting source - I don't think that any of these people know him anyway (the first person definitely doesn't). They're just speaking tangentially from their own past relationships. These are just really good points in general, for the future, since I can tend to have a Type at times.

It is my (cynical) view that anyone who would require that much coddling is a Very Bad Risk for a relationship. Period. People get broken. This is true, and I know that, and I'm broken myself in several ways. But the thing is that many of us do not demand that others coddle that. Many of us fight very hard to minimize its effects on others.

(Point quoted because I'm a mama and instinctively coddle, but I myself retreat, don't ask for help, often refuse help.)

I think that guys who whipsaw are grabbing power- whether it's conscious or unconscious really doesn't matter to me. They are not being respectful of the feelings of the other people. That's a fact. And anyone who does this is not personally ready to be in any kind of responsible relationship.

Broken promises are close to deal-killers for me. If someone breaks promises, I cannot trust them. And if I can't trust them, there's not a relationship. And lies are even worse, I think.

(I don't know why the deal-killing didn't happen in my brain. Still a low self-worth issue? I don't know.)

Something different from someone else that seems to sum up a lot of people's feelings on the subject:

I'm mad on your behalf that some people close to you weren't mature enough to let you deal with things privately, when not only have you earned (over and over again) that right but you have shown that you do good things with that right.

*nod* I was accused of lying because I didn't splay every single issue that the relationship was undergoing out on my LJ as it was happening, because I let people think things were okay. Well, no. There are just some things you don't work out in front of a thousand people. The line between whether we were going to downscale to "bf/gf" or "sweeties" is one of them, IMO. It's not anyone's business as the discussion is happening (or even after, really), and no one has the authority to tell me that it is.

And I don't lie. Another hardcoded thing. I get all Aes Sedai when I'm not allowed to tell you something. But I don't lie.

That's all I've got for now, I think.

What Next?
The Shayara primer! Now that I don't have hourlong phone commitments every day, now that I have less relationshippy stressiness, I have more writing time. And I'm bloody well going to use it. The Blogathon chapbook is done, but I thiiiink it's going to be bigger - right now it's double-column, to make it affordable for Kinko's exorbitant prices, but now that we can use an actual printer, the cost goes down by about 75%, I think, so I can afford to give you something that actually has a spine, I think. And wouldn't that be nice? The Blogathon chapbook has two short stories and two short-short stories and art for each, can be ordered signed, and will cost $10 or more, with every penny minus actual production and mailing costs going to RAINN.

The Primer will be... it's funny that I'm calling it "half fiction, half nonfiction", since the whole thing is actually fiction. But I'll be alternating short-short stories and flash fiction with "nonfiction" bits about the Dasaroi and Shayara - a story, then a bit about linguistics and the evolution thereof; a story, then a description of their system of government. Sound good? I'm aiming for a $10 price-point there, but if I end up turning out something Cerebus-sized, I'll charge more. I won't charge more than I'd pay for something like it in a bookstore. It needs a title. The Blogathon one, being created to fundraise for RAINN, is called "Stories from Silence".
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