I do not do well when I am helpless, powerless, when there's not a damn thing I can do.
Give me a situation where I can do just the tiniest little thing, and I am all over it. I rock.
But being helpless is very difficult for me.
And I've been helpless as regards the seizures and the resultant medications and side effects of same for over two years now. And I am helpless as regards my heart problem, and this, this out-of-control plummeting of weight.
And I'm helpless as regards the move to Boston - that all depends on Adam getting a job, and there's nothing I can do.
And there are other situations in my world right now that I won't discuss because they touch on Other People's Stuff, but - ditto. Out-of-control situations that I can do nothing to help, nothing to fix, nothing to change.
I am a tough cookie. I have been standing here. I have been being a Weeble - wobbling, but not falling down. Under extreme duress. Extreme duress. I have been weathering storms.
But goddammit, this needs to stop. I cannot keep myself calm and steady through the hurricane forever. It needs. To stop. And I am seeing no light at the end of this tunnel. What I am seeing right now is just a whoooole lot of tunnel. I am seeing Cthulhu's colon.
(See? Levity! My defense mechanism!)
And as in the previous post, I'm hitting a wall, repeating the oversimplification in my head. This needs to stop.