Magical Truthsaying Bastard Shadesong (shadesong) wrote,
Magical Truthsaying Bastard Shadesong

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So I wrote up the nanosong bit. No, I didn't post it yet; just wrote it in the Word document. A good 2K+.

Which I think I need to rewrite from her perspective. It isn't soup yet.

And I think I knew it was her part of the story, but... as hard as it is to be in Jeramie's head, it's harder to be in hers for stuff like this. Believe it or not, and if you saw what I just wrote, you'd have a hard time believing it, but I was taking it easy on myself.

Because basically, part of what transpires therein is rape - but she doesn't know, because she has no vocabulary for that. This is the first time he's done anything to her when she's said "no", but she's already accustomed to feeling twistywrong with him - and she is in the process of being punished. She knows that she was bad. She doesn't know the dividing line, where Jeramie goes far beyond the punishment he was asked to deliver. She knows that she was bad, and she doesn't want this and it's scary and it hurts but this is punishment.

And she knows too little about normal sex to realize what's horribly wrong with this picture.

And the reason I need to write it from her perspective is that I have been that girl. I have had that feeling, that "No, this is wrong," but have had that lack of vocabulary, that lack of a sense of right and wrong re: sex. I have had her awareness that "no" doesn't mean anything. And when you get that at a young age, it's difficult to say, even to yourself, "This is wrong." This is just the way things are, is what it is. And you live with that twistywrong feeling in your gut, and you assume it's because there's something wrong with *you*.

Shit, it's 1:30. I need to go to bed.
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