Magical Truthsaying Bastard Shadesong (shadesong) wrote,
Magical Truthsaying Bastard Shadesong
shadesong

  • Mood:

Small

The thing with medical tests is that I feel so small when they're doing them.

In a way that's got nothing to do with size, for the most part. Just - when I'm in a chair with a biopsy needle in my breast, or when I have my head strapped down for an MRI...

Small and lost, and not even really a person. Just breast tissue, in the first case. (Adam tried to watch, but couldn't, and wondered why I was calm about exposing my breast to a bustling room full of strangers when I'm normally shy; it was because it was not sexual to them. I wasn't even a person. I was possibly-diseased tissue. I was a thing to be sampled. But I was small and terrified and just had to be calm and keep breathing.)

So I'm scared about tomorrow. I'm scared of three hours of feeling small and lost and alone on a table. And there's anger under there, anger that it's been years and I'm not fixed and isn't Western Medicine supposed to fix you? And frustration because the weight loss has complicated matters so much: I've lost so much weight that the increased fatigue/exhaustion can now also be attributed to malnutrition, and there's no way to tell how much of it comes from that and how much comes from the medication.

I need Dr. House, dammit. *laugh* I need someone to step in and take charge and change my medication and look at all the symptoms together, neuro and cardio and everything, and see exactly what is wrong and fix it.

I watch too much TV.

I do not want 'net-hugs. I'm just talking to myself, talking out loud. I joke a lot. I reassure my parents. Mom asks why I'm having a CT scan, I tell her in a jokey voice that they're looking for a tumor, but dude, it is so not a tumor - but inside, I know that they wouldn't be looking for a tumor if there wasn't the chance that it *is* one. They wouldn't be looking for that before a digestive issue unless the chance of a tumor > the chance of a digestive issue. And I'm sure the chances are small, but the fact that they're looking for one means that it's on The List. And The List is already really long and has lots of big things on it. I really actively do not want anything else on The List. I want to start crossing things off the list. And it's over two years and things keep being added, and nothing's getting crossed off.

I'm rambling. I gotta go do some work.
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