Having a disability, having chronic pain, chronic illness, is like having a whole 'nother relationship. A really bad one. *wry smile*
The disability - and that's how I'll refer to it throughout - monopolizes your time and energy. You end up having to give more time and energy to the disability than to any other individual partner - some days, more to the disability than to all partners combined.
It throws temper tantrums. It demands that you change plans with your other partners at the last minute: "Oh, you thought tonight was your date night, huh? Tough shit. It's mine."
It does not respect your safeword! It is not safe, sane, or consensual! *laugh*
You end up spending huge chunks of your day, your week, month, year, just "working on your relationship" with your disability. Trying different medications, different patterns of rest or exercise.
And there's nothing your other partner(s) can do about this, really. They can fetch heat or ice packs for pain flares. They can carry you to bed when your meds steal the ability to walk in a straight line. But they do not have veto power over the disability.
It is an abusive partner, and it cannot be negotiated with.
More later. Time for wee Shadesongs to nap. I welcome your thoughts and additions.