Magical Truthsaying Bastard Shadesong (shadesong) wrote,
Magical Truthsaying Bastard Shadesong
shadesong

Some self-exploration

I did not have boundaries, as a child. Parents did not pay much attention. Other people in authority - well, one abused his authority, but that's unrelated. Teachers... I went to an experimental-ish school. Early on, I was separated from even the Gifted class into a group with just three other kids. Looking back on it, perhaps we were a little experiment in ourselves. In any case, we really had no boundaries. It was Montessori-esque, I guess, but with teachers who weren't trained in Montessori-style guidance. Read: Let's let the supergenius kids loose in a room and see what happens!

Who gives a third-grader a scalpel? I mean, really.

Kids need boundaries. I have said this time and again; I regard it to be a True Thing. All of my life, I have pushed; I have continued to step Out Of Bounds, looking back over my shoulder: "I'm not supposed to do this. Gonna stop me? Gonna say no?"

Never got a "no".

Who lets a third-grader loose on the principle that she knows what she's doing because she has a big brain and stuff?

I say no to my daughter. I pay attention. I guide. Because a damn lot of the bad things I've done in my life were, deep down, desperate attempts to get someone, anyone, to tell me "no". To stop me. To show me that they loved me enough to tell me no.

My daughter has boundaries.

Related:

Was discussing the move with docorion, immediately after the boundaries talk. After talking about how much I need boundaries. And I warned him, "If we set a limit of, say, five boxes per day that I can unpack.... I'm warning you. There's going to come a day when I'll've unpacked five boxes, and I'll still be feeling fine, so I'll say, 'Well, I can unpack another five.' And I'll do it. And it'll knock me out for days afterward. But it's like I have to do it."

Him: "But you know that it's bad for you."

Me: "Yes, but this is the thing: If I unpack those first five, and I still feel fine, and I go to sit down and read a magazine when my brain is telling me that I'm perfectly fine to unpack more boxes... I am Being A Lazy Bitch."

Him: "But you're not."

Me: "But that is how it works in my head. If I feel capable of doing something, and I don't, I am Being Lazy. However! However. If you tell me - if you make it an order - that I am to unpack only five boxes and then go read a magazine, I am no longer Being A Lazy Bitch if I do so. I am Being Good."

Him: "Ahhhh...."

So he groks that now and will do so.

Because I do not always act in my best interest. I push and push and push. But if someone I love says "Take a break for your body's own good" - that, only that, makes it okay....

Mmm. Still head-tangly. Good enough for now, though.
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