So we were talking about skirts, and how he wants me to be all girly - and to show my legs and stuff. He told me I have great legs. Well, I do like my calves. And he told me I was so pretty.
And what fell out of my mouth was this: "Bad things happen to pretty girls."
Such is my comfort level with him - I have no walls, no filters. Direct route from subconscious to mouth.
"Bad things happen to pretty girls."
That's what's hardwired in me. And it's something that I was reminded of yesterday, when wakingdreaming said that my long hair overwhelmed my features - that I have nice features and should show them. What came out then was a joking "I like to hide." But that comes from the same place. Bad things happen to pretty girls - safety comes in not being a pretty girl. So. Hide the features. (I had contacts for about a month in 9th grade. Threw 'em away.) Hide the girl-ness. How many of y'all have seen me in anything other than jeans and a T-shirt, with Merrells or Doc Martens?
One thing about being obsessed with mapping my brain, at least, is that I know exactly where these things come from.
That's got to be worked on.
EDIT: I am okay, not depressed or anything - just musing. Lack of response to comments is due only to an impending long-lunch-date.