Magical Truthsaying Bastard Shadesong (shadesong) wrote,
Magical Truthsaying Bastard Shadesong
shadesong

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Here I go, posting unfinished thoughts again...

docorion and I were talking yesterday, and the subject of limiting future partners by silly-ish things came up. As in, "I will no longer date men who don't wear kilts." And there was some other specification I had.

docorion: "So that still leaves you with half of my male friends."
Me: "Or men who use Windows."
docorion: "Still. Half the guys I know."
Me: "I think we decided that I'll only date guys who were on their high school debate teams." (He and Adam both were.)
docorion: "I'll ask around."
Me: "But I don't want them!"

My sudden negative reaction to a jokey thing surprised me, so I have to examine that.

I don't want anyone else.

Not just because I have NRE right now.

The reason I gave, a reason that's true, is that with my health issues, I am not capable of being an equal partner to anyone right now. And I don't ever want to be an unequal partner. It wouldn't be fair. I'm very lucky to have the guys I do, and have them support and understand my body's needs.

But I don't want anyone new. I'm not just not looking, I'm actively Not Looking; I am opposed. I'm a tiny bit resentful of even the idea of any new partners.

I didn't want new partners when I was with volta, either... and I told docorion that if I was to have anyone new, it wold likely be the way it was with him. I fell in Like with docorion over a period of about three months, with daily or near-daily e-mail correspondence. Avid readers will remember me saying that I was in Like. Well, that was docorion. And then I met him, and wow. :) But basically - it would be slow-developing. Not just "nice boots, wanna fuck?" I grew out of that.

And I have a something with kires, but that predates even volta, and it isn't a Relationship, it's a something. If there was a middle-size "r", it would be that. Between relationship and Relationship.

And next time metaphorge and I are in the same city, we're going to fuck like crazed weasels, but again, we have a Something, he and I. That dated back three years now.

But I actively don't want New People.

I think this may have something to do with the cocooning thing - I'm partly-emerged, but it seems that every heavy-social-contact situation is Too Much. I'm really going to have to gradually ease into social stuff in Boston. Slowly and carefully. And with it set out front that I am just the least available person on the planet for the foreseeable future.

EDIT: And I just realize how overly male-leaning this is. I guess that's because there's just one girl who I might have something with in the not-distant future. And I've known her in-person as long as I've known kires - to the day.

And girls are less aggressive; when I'm in new social situations, I have to fend off men, but not women so much.
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