My relationship with volta was extremely sexually restrictive. For a year, I wasn't allowed to be even mildly sexual with anyone but one other person, and only mildly sexual with him.
I was talking with a friend recently about a guy who was interested in me. The friend suggested that I tell the guy that I'm not interested in sex without a relationship (I'd said I didn't want a relationship). I said, "Well, I don't know if I am or not! I don't remember if I was or not before, honestly, and this year has changed me. I don't know what I want."
I do know that I'm not interested in having a Relationship with anyone new. Blessing of LJ: I can announce that here, and hopefully the people who need to hear it will hear it, because I've been being approached, and honestly, I don't know how to deal with that. I'm still the dorky girl in the back of the classroom. I'm not quite sure how to deal with interest that isn't reciprocated.
At the same time, I'm a very sexual person - and I can be a very mercurial person. I may totally want to do you today, but that interest may not be there next week - and that's not you, that's me. The raunchiness, it ebbs and flows like the tides.
And I want to be playful with people; I want to tell the people that I fantasized about the other day that I fantasized about them. In one case, I *know* they'll* love that. In the other, I'm pretty sure. But I don't want to get anyone's hopes up. Because they may not be inhabiting my fantasy world next week, let alone next time I see them, and I'm particularly worried about one of them getting attached and then getting hurt.
I hate that I have to be this guarded. But I very much do not want to hurt anyone's feelings.
Am I making sense?
(* I'm not playing the pronoun game. That was a two-person fantasy.)