Magical Truthsaying Bastard Shadesong (shadesong) wrote,
Magical Truthsaying Bastard Shadesong


Two things that are only slightly related. This is only one post because it sort of illustrates how my brain dissects every teeny tiny little thing.

* I have someone who I have a crush on. We'll call him Bill, because that's his name. I'll never get anywhere with him. Nothing will ever happen. This we know. Yet I can send him an e-mail just to tell him he's cute and feel only slightly embarrassed about it. If he didn't like me, it would be borderline humiliating to admit that I crush on him this much. But he likes me. So I can do the mental "nothing will come of this but I still like him and that's okay" thing and send him an e-mail to that effect, and being able to do that makes me feel good. I mean, I'm a dork. But that's okay.

* I saw someone recently who I used to be in love with. It still feels odd in the brain to call him an ex-boyfriend, even though I've been told that I've the right to. But he isn't designated in my brainmeats as that. Just - someone I used to be in love with, who did me a considerable amount of damage. Saw him unexpectedly, at a small gathering. I didn't interact. Just a nod, and talked to other people, not him. But. Saw him for the first time in a long, long time.

And I'm trying to suss out how I feel about that.

I feel okay. But my brain wonders if I feel okay just because I'm telling myself really hard that I feel okay. If I'm more rattled than that amount of rattled that I admit to.

This spirals, fractalizes. Am I okay, or am I pretending to myself that I'm okay? If I'm pretending, why am I pretending? If I *am* pretending, I need to figure out how I'm really feeling so that that can be dealt with. But what if I'm actually okay? Is it healthier at this stage to be okay or to be not-okay? Am I feeling what I'm feeling based on emotional honesty, or based on what I perceive as optimal mental health?

This is what my brain does. With everything.

I do not expect this to make sense to anyone but wispfox and kires, really. Just wanted to write it, because it's easier for me to make sense of stuff when I write it.

EDIT: In re: section 2, Adam says I'm okay. And I agree. I'm okay. I just find it interesting how deeply I need to dissect the situation to ascertain whether "okay" is the proper word for where I am with it.
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