Yesterday may have been my worst side effect day ever.
You know, I try and I try and I try to be chipper and philosophical about this shit. And if you see me in person - which precious few of you have, lately, you'll swear that I pull it off. I'm good at faking it. And by the time I see most people, the worst of this shit has worn off. Usually. Not yesterday, not today. But I'm generally good at pretending that there's only one of you and that the first thing on my mind isn't "please don't puke please don't puke".
I spent most of yesterday fighting off panic.
I couldn't walk. Worse than usual. Days like yesterday, "walking" consists of throwing myself at walls in order to get from room to room, should I need to move.
I *hurt*. Everything hurt. My tongue is usually tingly after I take my meds... yesterday my whole mouth felt like it was on fire. And my face felt *tight*. And my body ached.
My brain wasn't working. And my voice was unregulated. So the things I was saying that made no sense, I was saying in weird volume variations.
I spent a big chunk of yesterday sprawled on the couch whimpering because my brain and body were so fucked.
And I'm sitting here today having been half-carried to the office by Adam, who says that this is the worst I've been in some time. I'm typing reeeeeally slow, because my hands are jerking around. My vision is just now starting to improve (Adam wakes me up at 5:30 to take the meds).
FUCK FUCK FUCK.
I am pissed off. I am so pissed off. I can't help but think back on that list of famous epileptics and think "Y'know, Hugo Weaving probably didn't have to stop production on The Matrix because his meds were incapacitating him that day." There's got to be a balance.
There has got to be a balance.
I just want to BE there.
And, I mean, if I knew - if I knew that Drug X was the answer, and it would just take me 6, 9 months to balance out - I could handle that, no problem. Well, with problemss, but you know what I mean. I just want to know.
It just pisses me right the fuck off. I'm only 30. I shouldn't have to be dealing with this shit.
Okay. Gonna stop now. Just - fuck fuck fuck.
I have an appointment with my neurologist today. A regular 3-month maintenance appointment. So I'll get to see how much of this is normal and when things can be expected to fade. If they can be expected to fade.