Magical Truthsaying Bastard Shadesong (shadesong) wrote,
Magical Truthsaying Bastard Shadesong

You know, I really am trying hard to keep my chin up, but when one pretty much constantly feels unwell - and then has to deliberately select a time to pretty much increase that unwellness a hundredfold for the period of a couple of hours - it is, how you say, unpleasant.

It wears on you, y'know? The nausea and deep resentment when you pour those five pills of kryptonite into your hand, lift your hand to your mouth...

I'll do a post about the good stuff later - there has been much Good Stuff this weekend, oh yes. And that shouldn't be tainted by this. Is why the separate post.

Monday is my final bump-up on the Trileptal. Thursday I end the Lamictal. Then it's a waiting game.

I try to keep my chin up. I do well. I have really good days... I have lots of days where I'm not even *trying*, where I'm just having a great time.

But twice a day, every day, I have to look at a handful of pills and make the conscious decision to effectively cripple my brain for several hours. Not just baseline-with-the-meds-in-my-system. But really nuke the fuck out of my brain. Twice a day. Every day. I know what it does to me. And I look at that handful of pills. And I swallow them.

Even on the good days. It is never easy.
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