Magical Truthsaying Bastard Shadesong (shadesong) wrote,
Magical Truthsaying Bastard Shadesong
shadesong

I can see where it starts.

My really awful side effects - the double vision, the stumbling and staggering, the brainfuckery - all happen as my body is initially metabolizing my meds.

So I wake up and I'm pretty much okay, and then my brain and body go to shit.

So there's the little voice in the back of my head:

"If I wait to take my meds, I can drive to the store."

and

"If I wait to take my meds, I can write - and have the channel to the writerbrain clear. Not these dull thuds that I've been exhaustedly typing - but real writing. If I delay my meds."

Et cetera

But if I did wait...

...when would I take them?

There's no easy time to become incapacitated. Given the choice of putting it off until a more convenient time... you wouldn't. Because there is always something else that needs to get done.

If I wait to take my meds til after I drive to the store... will I take them at all? Or will I just skip that morning dose because I'm getting so much done?

If I delay the evening dose to get some writing done... will I end up skipping it so I don't fall asleep on the couch at 8:00?

I can see where it starts. How people can just stop taking their medication. I'd never really seen it before. Always just "Duh. You have to take your meds. If you don't, you can die." Status epilepticus - you start seizing, and you never stop. These are not drugs that you can quit cold turkey.

If I start skipping doses for this sort of... gods, I don't have words. But if I start skipping doses, how long until I'm just not taking it at all anymore?

Currently on 600mg/day. Going up to 1800mg/day. Going to be up to 1500mg/day before I can start going back down from my dose of 325mg/day of Lamictal.

And I just want to write. Screw the store and screw everything else. Know why you haven't seen any NaNoWriMo excerpts? Because it sucks. I'm not in Story. I'm removed from it. I'm writing a description of a story, not Story itself. I am not getting there. It's like an inability to have an orgasm (which was a side effect of Claritin, for gods' sake). You know it's there. You remember very clearly how it feels. How this should feel. You are almost there. But you cannot get there.

So yeah. I can see now where it starts. Why people stop their meds.

I'm gonna go eat dinner and take mine now.

Fuck.

It's not a good night, people.
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