Magical Truthsaying Bastard Shadesong (shadesong) wrote,
Magical Truthsaying Bastard Shadesong

Conversion rate?

kires and I went to a Jewish deli for breakfast this morning. He seemed absolutely baffled by the menu. I, on the other hand, ordered off the menu. Matzoh brei, which is a substance so taken for granted at this place that they don't even bother to put it on the menu.

kires took a long time to peruse the menu, and our waitress seemed terribly impatient... until we finally placed our order. I got the matzoh brie. He ordered corned beef and eggs... she she reeled off a litany of options... scrambled or sunny side up or "pancake-like", corned beef on the side or mixed in, etc, all at warp speed... poor kires was just sitting there blinking, and I confided to the waitress, "He's never been to a Jewish restaurant before."

At which point she became very solicitous. After determining how he wanted his food, she gave him sort of a verbal pat on the head - "Very good, good choice, hon." A drastic difference from her earlier brusqueness.

I started giggling as soon as she left the table. And told kires, "I think she thinks I'm trying to convert you."

Seriously. She went from rolling her eyes at the goy in the deli to being all sweet and calling him hon. She thinks I'm trying to convert him. By the end of the meal, as she continued to baby him, he agreed that I was probably right...

Too funny.

So it turned out that kires had basically no knowledge of Jewish culture... and I spent about an hour telling him stuff.

The hora: "It's a dance we do at weddings and bar mitzvahs. Everyone holds hands and we dance in a circle to "Hava Nagila". The thing about the hora, though, is that no one really knows how to dance it. So you just wantch the people across from you and do what they do. However, they're watching you and copying you. There's a lot of opportunity to really fuck with people there."

Purim: "We consume our enemy. With a tasty prune filling."

Restaurant etiquette: "All the little old ladies, the bubbies carry a plastic bag in their purse. And at the end of the meal, they start furtively sneaking the leftover rolls into their purses. Same thing with Sweet & Low."

Jewish holidays: "All Jewish holidays operate on the same principle - we didn't die! Let's eat!"

Et cetera.

I should do a series of posts on this stuff, I really should.
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