Magical Truthsaying Bastard Shadesong (shadesong) wrote,
Magical Truthsaying Bastard Shadesong

I know they say God never gives us more than we can handle, but sometimes it just seems like far too much to bear.

Just - not just dealing with bodyfuckery and brainfuckery in general. But knowing that some of the cognitive shit might be further brain damage - might never go away. Not being able to eat. Feeling sick every second of every day. Doing research and finding again and again that nothing is going to make it better, that this is forever for me, with fluctuations depending on what drug I'm on, but I'll never be who I was, I'll never be able to live like I was living. The best thing for my type of epilepsy, though it is a last resort - is surgery in which they remove a chunk of the brain.

No. Never.

So drugs forever, this forever, and I can keep trying on different drugs, but if I react this strongly to the mildest drugs, the doctor says that chances aren't good that I'll do well on other drugs. I will try. I won't stop trying.

But she was also the first person to say outright that the cognitive fuckery may be permanent as a result of the seizures. And that would be so much easier if I didn't remember how my brain worked before. If I didn't remember being lucid, thinking straight all the time.

No one gets it. Adam's mom says "oh, you'll be back to normal soon." This IS normal now. There is no normal.

Melodramatic? I don't care. I DON'T CARE. This is what's in my head and I HURT. And giving up is not an option, giving up is never an option, but fuck, I wish it was, because this is TOO MUCH. I can't DO this today. I can't stop crying and feeling like I'm jumping out of my skin and everywhere I look, every epilepsy website, every everything, says flat out that there's really no hope.

I don't want this. I want this to go away. Like I said, people say we're never given more than we can handle, but I swear to any god who'll listen that I am breaking under this.

EDIT: And I know it could be worse. I'm not dying. But it is not a little thing. It is a big fucking thing.
Tags: epilepsy
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