Magical Truthsaying Bastard Shadesong (shadesong) wrote,
Magical Truthsaying Bastard Shadesong

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Regarding what I needed

For the past few months, what with my body going even more haywire - I've been flailing. No solid ground. No center. No peace. No time to adjust, no way to adjust. Just... flailing.

I am now Doing What I Need To Do.

My trip to Florida last weekend centered me, gave me the peace I needed. Gave me a place to stand. He is calming. This was very much what I needed.

And last night... last night brought me joy. Dancing is joy. Music is joy - there's a reason they call me 'song! Music in my blood and bones.

Doing things for myself is almost a foreign concept. I put others first - sometimes to my detriment. But I'm used to taking care of myself last - and this past year I haven't had the energy to take care of myself, it's all been going out to other people.

Which is why the cocooning. My body and mind were screaming at me to stop, to center, because I've been falling apart. Body and mind did a forced shutdown. Which feels very odd, let me tell you.

The Florida trip was supposed to be to get me in the ocean. That didn't happen - but I got centered anyway. And I'll go in the ocean next time.

Still spiralling back. Revisiting Vegas, then back farther; going into the water. Daughter of moon and wind and sea, the shadow and the song.

I centered. I calmed.

Last night - like I said, sheer joy. I haven't danced like that in forever. Religious experience.

Yes, I'm serious about it being a religious experience. Call and answer. Having the empty spaces where the bad energy was yanked out of me in that ritual filled; filled with music, filled with ecstasy (and not the drug kind). Filled with light.

This week has been a healing.

I can start to move forward more now.
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