Magical Truthsaying Bastard Shadesong (shadesong) wrote,
Magical Truthsaying Bastard Shadesong
shadesong

Disconnected

Prompted by a conversation with azurelunatic....

She says: "And I've noticed that you've gone very quiet about things in general, so when something does hit, it doesn't have the warning that you formerly had with little things doing a buildup. "

I say: "See, nothing has "hit" interpersonally. I actually haven't been having many interactions with anyone, because my medical stuff is taking up all of my brainspace. Nothing's happened..."

She says: "*nods* So from your perspective pretty much everything else is on pause?

Everybody else is probably not on pause, so you may notice that people who are less aware of your medical situation who have personal interactions pending with you may be wondering what's up with the lag."

I say: "I'm not aware of any pending interactions at this time - I've been pretty well disconnected from interaction with anyone but Elayna and my guys (Yendi & Volta) for a little while now. Outside of the 100% casual.

I don't think anyone's waiting on me for anything, is what I'm saying, I think.

If they are, they oughtta poke me about it, because I am unaware."

So. Yes. I don't know if people are aware. So I'm going to try to make it clear.

These days, there are pretty much only two things I'm able to focus on.

1. the shit that's happening to my body, and

2. writing.

And I'm only able to focus on the writing because I'm working really hard at it, and because I have made it a habit; I have worn that groove into my mind, so I always have that.

Second-tier things:
1. Elayna's school-stuff and extracurriculars.
2. Keeping the house reasonably together.
3. Weddingishness.

Everything else in the world is third-tier. And my mind is barely handling second-tier.

The thing with my mind right now is that, for the last month, it's been in self-defense mode - input has been cut. Connections have been rerouted, if not severed altogether.

This isn't a conscious decision on my part. This has just happened, it's just something that my brain has done in self-preservation.

And it's just occurred to me that y'all probably do not know the extent of it.

I have not been maintaining any meaningful contact with anyone other than Elayna, yendi, and volta for this past month - with yendi getting the lion's share simply because he lives here and can access my nonverbals.

I have had intermediate contact with kires, via phone. I've also had low-intermediate contact with my parents, also via phone. Because they call me. I can have a conversation. I'm just not really able to initiate one.

These are the only people I've really been in contact with.

I'm only occasionally glancing at my friends-page, and I've abstractedly noticed that very little of that is sinking in. E-mail's behind as well.

And as Azz pointed out, some of you may have interactions with me that you consider pending.

Please be advised that I'm unaware of anything that I haven't already outlined.

My body is in shutdown mode, enough so that I've gone self-disconnected. I'm not sure if this is unprecedented or not.

Anyway. That's where I am right now.

If you need me, make sure I know, okay? No assumptions.

EDIT: More from Azz, because she's right on.... "There may be quite a few little things that ordinarily you would have reacted to in one way or another that people may be wondering about. You have been simulating ordinary patterns of interaction fairly well, even though you are in fogginess and spindizzy, so someone who is not privy to the meanings behind the "Ouch fall down" moments may incorrectly think that you are at full function and playing it cool. You are simulating full function very well, in words and tone. The fact that you are still talking about interactions with others socially makes it look like you are having more content-full interactions than you seem to be actually having."

I can see this. I told her that, essentially, I am good at "faking it", at seeming to be doing well. If you're not around me in person for long. Pretty much only yendi knows the extent of it, because he's the only one there when I can't maintain my happy-functional thingie anymore.
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