Magical Truthsaying Bastard Shadesong (shadesong) wrote,
Magical Truthsaying Bastard Shadesong

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Your morning dose of insanity... alphafenris read this post and was inspired.

Everything below the little dashes is by alphafenris.


[Camera tilts down to show Cyclops, Beast, a somewhat puffy Wolverine, and Jean Grey]

Cyclops: Why the hell do we end up waiting for the bus every morning? We *live* at the school.
Beast (pointing at Wolverine): Ask lard-butt he's why we end up going into town every day.
Wolverine: Gawdammit, I'm not fat you fucking Jew.
Beast: . . . since when is "McCoy" a Jewish name.
Wolverine: . . . I seriously hate you guys.
Jean Grey: Mrppfl-plmtfl-hrk-tlfw
Cyclops: What the help is in you mouth Jean? I can barely hear you.
Wolverine: Hehe, I know what he wishes was in her mouth.
Cyclops: Shut up, fatass.
Wolverine: Son of a bitch, I'm not fat! I'm "pleasantly plump."
Beast: Look Wolverine, it's your fault we're waiting for this stupid bus in the first place. I don't know why it's so important that we had to pick up your passport today.
Wolverine: I'm Canadian. If I don't get a new passport I'll get deported thanks to Senator Kelly's new "national security" initiative. Mutant powers aren't that effective against the INS.
Cyclops: Hehe, your mutant powers aren't getting rid of your wide load. What's your mutant power, fitting into that spandex without your suit exploding?
Wolverine: Gawdammit, I'm not fat! I'm a "larger than life hero." Screw you guys, I'm going home.
Beast: . . . we're waiting for the bus back home.
Wolverine: . . .
Jean Grey: Prrffl mrflp plrt yrf.
[Cyclops, Beast, and Jean Grey laugh]
Beast: Yeah, soon he'll be a "Larger than The Blob" hero.
Wolverine: Seriously guys. One of these days, I'm going to claw your balls off.

[A bus shows up and the X-Men board. The bus travels about five feet before Magneto attacks.]

Magneto: Disciples of Xavier, today you will meet your end!
[Magneto uses his mutant powers to lift the bus off the ground]
Cyclops: Jesus Christ, dude!
Jesus Christ (in the last row of the bus): I'm not messing with him!
[Jesus Christ jumps out the emergency exit at the back of the bus]
Beast: C'mon Magneto, we've kicked your ass hundreds of times! You don't want to mess with us!
Wolverine: Yeah, I'll turn you into hamburger, bub!
Cyclops (aside): More like eat a hamburger.
Wolverine: Gawdamn hippy.
Magneto: Ah, but this time I have a secret weapon! Behold the power of, Mecha-Streisand!
[Mecha-Streisand lumbers into view]
Beast: Holy shit dude!
Jean Grey: Plrfl jklrw mb tffl
Cyclops: Aaaaa! Run for it!

[The X-men leap from the windows of the bus and run for the institue as Mecha-Streisand begins destroying buildings]

Interior: Professor Xavier's office.

Professor X: How's it going children?
X-Men: Bad
Professor X: Why bad?
Cyclops: Magneto has a fifty-foot Mecha-Streisand and it's tearing apart the city.
Beast: Yes, it's even bigger than Wolverine's ass!
Wolverine: Gawdammit! I'm not fat, I'm big boned.
Beast: Whoa dude, you've got some fatass bones.
Wolverine: It's the adamantium, I'm not fat!
Cyclops: Adamantium? Ate-too-much-Mexican is more like it, burrito butt.
Beast: Professor X, do you have any idea how we can defeat Magneto and his Mecha-Streisand?
Professor X: Hmm, a fifty-foot robot Streisand. Maybe the key to defeating her is some sweet lovin'.
Cyclops: Of course, we need to . . . wait, WHAT?!?!
Professor X: That's right children. You need to lay Mecha-Streisand down by the fire, play some soft music, and get down.

Professor X (singing):
You've got to make love baby
You've got to give them mutant lovin'
Your powers make you strong
But they also make you really cook in their oven

Iceman's power is cold, Pyro's power is hot
When Avalanche is lovin' he can turn mountains into rocks
When Professor X gets down and dirty,
He busts out his giant mutant-

Beast: Whoa there, Professor. I'm not sure sweet lovin' will defeat a fifty-foot robot. Remember that time you tried to lay that Sentinel down by the fire?
Professor X: Well, do any of you have a better plan?
Jean Grey: Mery asdy dofpf fodpf fpd!
Beast: Uh huh.
Jean Grey: Mumblemumblemumblemumblemumblemumblemumblemumblemumblemumblemumblemumblemumblemumblemumble.
Cyclops: Of course!
Wolverine: Sweet.

[Cue Commercial Break]

*Return from Commercial Break*

[The Cyclops, Beast, and Wolverine (wearing lederhosen) stand in the middle of a field. Mecha-Streisand lumbers into view with Magneto riding on her back]

Magneto: Foolish X-Men, you still dare to defy the power of my ultimate weapon?
Beast: Yes, and we have our own ultimate weapon. Wolverine, doing the "German Donce!"
[Wolverine begins to perform the German Donce. While Magneto and Mecha-Streisand are distracted Jean Grey sneaks up behind them and uses her telekinetic powers to lob a rock into Mecha-Streisand's nose}
Mecha-Streisand: Roarrrrrrrr!
Magneto: You fool, I've used my powers of magnetism to make Mecha-Streisand's nose invulnerable to kinetic strikes. Show her your power, Mecha-Streisand!
[Mecha-Streisand shoots eye lasers at Jean Grey. Jean Grey goes flying off a cliff]
Beast: Oh my God, they killed Phoenix!
Cyclops: You bastards!!!
[Jean Grey climbs over the edge of the cliff]
Jean Grey: No, I'm okay. I grabbed a root on my way down. Bastards made me swallow my gum, though.
Magneto: Hit her again!
[Mecha-Streisand shoots more eye lasers. The entire cliff is obliterated sending Jean Grey to her doom]
Beast Oh my God, they killed Phoenix again!
Cyclops: You bastards!!!
[Jean Grey floats up above where the cliff used to be]
Jean Grey: No, I'm okay, I just remembered that I can fly.
Magneto: Mecha-Streisand, use your secret attack!
[Mecha-Streisand steps on Jean Grey, grinds her food a little, then scraps off Jean Grey bits onto a tree]
Beast: . . . oh my God, they killed Phoenix again!
Cyclops: You bastards!
Beast: We're screwed. Quick, call the rest of the X-Men! Maybe one of them can defeat Mecha-Streisand.

[While Cyclops shoots Mecha-Streisand with eye blasts that just bounce off her invulnerable skin a mini-bus of mutants unloads in the clearing]

Colossus: I can take care of her.
[Colossus turns metallic. Mecha-Streisand stops her rampage and is enraptured by the sight of Colossus. Cue soft music.]
Beast: Holy crap dude, the Professor was right! All she needed was some sweet lovin'!
Colossus: I'm not going to, hey, I don't think so.
[Mecha-Streisand grabs Colossus and carries him off into the woods while shrugging Magneto off her shoulders]
Magneto: Curse you meddling kids! I'm going back to the Savage Lands to plot your doom.
Towelie: Don't forget to bring a towel.
Magneto: I will have my revenge!!!
[Magneto flies off into the distance]

Towelie: . . . any of you mutants wanna get high?
Beast: Towelie, you're the worst mutant ever.

[Cue end credits]
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