June 23rd, 2014


This is your periodic reminder that Judah Sher is a rapist.

And specifically, Judah Sher is a rapist and abuser who has once again begun to escalate his behavior toward me.

Saturday afternoon and evening, there was a big party. This party occurs annually; of it and its sister party, I've missed only one in the more than seven years I've lived in Boston. I had a ride all lined up... but I woke up Saturday morning with terrible pain in my neck and shoulders. The pain didn't get better, and the muscle relaxants made me muzzy-headed, so I regretfully decided not to go. E-mailed my ride and took a nap.

I woke from my nap to text messages and Gchats from several friends at the party warning me that Judah was there.

Let's break this down.

After a year of not harassing me face to face, Judah has decided to go to a place he knows I'll be, has every reason to expect I'll be. I posted nowhere that I would not be at this party that I always attend. Yes, my foot is broken, but I did post that I went out Friday night regardless, so if he's looking at my social media, he knows the broken foot's not a deterrent. (And the fact that I got a barrage of "are you on your way? you should know he's here" messages shows that the general expectation was that I WOULD be there.)

Let me remind you that I have a restraining order against him. Had I been there, I would have called 911, and he would have been arrested.

What was Judah planning on doing to me Saturday that he wouldn't care about getting arrested for?

And here's another layer of interesting scary shit: Last time I sprained my ankle, I was with him. I posted at the time (in something I'm not linking to here because it discusses some things I don't discuss publicly) that ankle/foot injuries are extra scary for me because of a domestic violence relationship I was in when I was much younger, where my ex would specifically re-injure my ankle so I couldn't run.

I wrote that post in Judah's bed. With him sitting beside me. To explain why I was so twitchy and edgy about a simple sprained ankle.

So. Judah walked into a place where he thought I would be extremely physically and emotionally vulnerable. To do - what? Intimidate me, harass me? Assault me again, in the time he had before the cops showed?

What harm to me would be worth Judah's arrest, in his mind?

I am very shaken by this. This is the first time he's deliberately attempted to flout the restraining order since it was put in place. I had thought he'd disappeared into his new friends group, that he was avoiding mine. This is unpredictable, it was deliberate, and I'm not entirely sure what the next steps are. I had to spend my yesterday e-mailing party hosts and cons explaining that my abuser is escalating and might show up on their premises. That's not a fun place to be.

I posted a reminder on Twitter and Facebook that he's a rapist. On FB, I got some pushback, much of which amounted to "why are you posting this again now, a year later?"

Because I don't want him to be a Missing Stair. If he's trying to insert himself into my community again, I need to repeat that, underline it. He is a serial abuser who has a nine-year pattern of emotional abuse, escalated in recent years to rape and physical abuse.

The thing about escalation is that it tends to not stop.

I'm not a vengeful ex out to be mean to someone for no reason.

I'm the person keeping the big damn spotlight on the rapist in our midst.

Because aside from the whole "was he going to stab me? what was he going to do to me?", there's the fact that this is a party where my very charming rapist likes to pick up chicks.

So this is not entirely about me. This is about the next girl, and how I do not want there to be one.

EDIT: Since the question arose on Facebook: This is an open-invite party, with details posted on LJ and multiple mailing lists. He was not on an invite list.

(no subject)

Pulling this out of my Facebook comments to highlight it:

I appear to have become a longitudinal study in how rape is handled in a community that knows both the survivor and the perpetrator. It's easier to share outrage in the immediate aftermath than to make changes a year later - to treat this as an acute issue rather than the advent of a chronic issue, which is what it actually is.