December 2nd, 2013


(no subject)

Over the past 16 months, I have lost three beloved pets and the last of my grandparents. I was (in chronological order) emotionally abused, cheated on, raped, and assaulted by someone I loved, who I thought I'd spend the rest of my life with.

My daughter turned 18, and graduated, and went off to college. These are all positive changes, but they are huge changes.

If not for the other huge positive change of my relationship with the Thomases, I'm not sure where I'd be now. Nowhere good.

This is a year of losing things and losing people. It's a year of being sundered from my previous identities. It is a year of everything being peeled away.

I am trying my hardest to see this as an opportunity. I've said before that the blessing of losing everything is that you get to decide what to pick up, what to take with you.

The last time I lost so much, I had my Max. The last several times. When I moved to a place where I only knew one person, when I was diagnosed with epilepsy... I always had my Max. Max was the last tie to a lot of things.

Thirteen years. I don't really know how to be without him.

This is my first "normal" week in a month; I had Adam home for a week, then the trip to Chicago, then Thanksgiving week, and here I am, not quite knowing what to do with myself. Knowing that my life has changed, and not knowing yet what it's changed to. Knowing that I get to choose what to take with me.