(no subject)
Today I am packing for Chicago/Wiscon, because tomorrow I am flying to Chicago. Stressors non-related to my trip have settled down to the point where I am capable of bursting into tears randomly.
Me: "Tonight was good!"
Judah: "...you were crying ten minutes ago."
Me: "I am capable of crying. After this week, that is significant progress."
But today. Packing. A million tiny meltdowns. I don't like being away from home. And it's a big dressy event, and my genderfluidity means I won't have the vaguest idea today what I'll want to wear on Saturday. Last year I felt dysphoric in dresses the whole weekend and ended up not wearing a single one of the, what, four?, that I'd packed. So I need dresses/skirts, jeans & t-shirts, cargo shorts & tank tops, what?
Also this involves hauling everything out of everywhere and trying it on and being upset at myself that most things don't fit the way I want them to. Being sick means I'm behind on toning away my winter pudge.
But hey, I found a swimsuit that fits. By dumping an entire drawer of random stuff on my bed.
I go step by step so I don't get too overwhelmed.
When I was crying last night, I told Judah that I haven't had a day when I was not in crisis mode since maybe early February. I just need a week off. This won't be that. The earliest I can possibly get that is mid-June. But maybe this week will be a good reset.
I still don't know what to pack for plane knitting.
Back to it.
Me: "Tonight was good!"
Judah: "...you were crying ten minutes ago."
Me: "I am capable of crying. After this week, that is significant progress."
But today. Packing. A million tiny meltdowns. I don't like being away from home. And it's a big dressy event, and my genderfluidity means I won't have the vaguest idea today what I'll want to wear on Saturday. Last year I felt dysphoric in dresses the whole weekend and ended up not wearing a single one of the, what, four?, that I'd packed. So I need dresses/skirts, jeans & t-shirts, cargo shorts & tank tops, what?
Also this involves hauling everything out of everywhere and trying it on and being upset at myself that most things don't fit the way I want them to. Being sick means I'm behind on toning away my winter pudge.
But hey, I found a swimsuit that fits. By dumping an entire drawer of random stuff on my bed.
I go step by step so I don't get too overwhelmed.
When I was crying last night, I told Judah that I haven't had a day when I was not in crisis mode since maybe early February. I just need a week off. This won't be that. The earliest I can possibly get that is mid-June. But maybe this week will be a good reset.
I still don't know what to pack for plane knitting.
Back to it.
