May 20th, 2013

B5: End in Fire

(no subject)

Today I am packing for Chicago/Wiscon, because tomorrow I am flying to Chicago. Stressors non-related to my trip have settled down to the point where I am capable of bursting into tears randomly.

Me: "Tonight was good!"
Judah: " were crying ten minutes ago."
Me: "I am capable of crying. After this week, that is significant progress."

But today. Packing. A million tiny meltdowns. I don't like being away from home. And it's a big dressy event, and my genderfluidity means I won't have the vaguest idea today what I'll want to wear on Saturday. Last year I felt dysphoric in dresses the whole weekend and ended up not wearing a single one of the, what, four?, that I'd packed. So I need dresses/skirts, jeans & t-shirts, cargo shorts & tank tops, what?

Also this involves hauling everything out of everywhere and trying it on and being upset at myself that most things don't fit the way I want them to. Being sick means I'm behind on toning away my winter pudge.

But hey, I found a swimsuit that fits. By dumping an entire drawer of random stuff on my bed.

I go step by step so I don't get too overwhelmed.

When I was crying last night, I told Judah that I haven't had a day when I was not in crisis mode since maybe early February. I just need a week off. This won't be that. The earliest I can possibly get that is mid-June. But maybe this week will be a good reset.

I still don't know what to pack for plane knitting.

Back to it.


(no subject)

And today has improved. Judah helped me sort through everything and get packed, then made me gluten-free biscuits and sausage gravy. <3