June 29th, 2012


So. Just so you know.

This week has been massively frustrating and exhausting. I can't ever begin to sum up, because the nature of the way this week has gone down is that it has been a constant deluge; I have not even had time to finish dealing with Thing X before Thing Y jumps down my throat and Thing Z stabs me in the damn kidneys. Right now alone, this minute, I have four active Horrible Things. And that's after dealing with a bunch.

Just. Exhausting. Because one thing at a time would be hell enough, especially things of this magnitude. But I am essentially right now swinging between ragefleas, tears, and complete shutdown.

This will all pass. Some of it faster than the rest. I have not had a week this bad in a long time.

Things I can talk about:

* Disability stuff; see my post from last week.

* Financial stuff; see my post from last week. Damn cat. (She's 100% better, though.) Of course the financial stuff isn't just the impact of the big vet bill, it's an ongoing-though-usually-far-less-severe problem. Which hooks into the disability stuff, because I am just disabled enough to not be able to do part-time work and not disabled enough to qualify for SSDI without a yearslong fight that I don't have energy for (and I don't have energy because of my disability; see how this works?)

* Everyone's summer schedules are intersecting in ways that make it impossible for me to know how to structure my time. Several times over the past week I've finally been able to sit down and get to work on writing and then boom goes the door and "Surprise! I'm home!"

* I'm going to mention the scheduling thing twice! because it is really important. I am one of those people who really actively needs a schedule and gets frustrated at having to switch gears. At least twice a day people are changing things on me and forcing instant gear-changes which every single time have resulted in my writing time being stolen, and often also result in things not getting done around the house.

* Which is why I had to cancel our housewarming thing, because things that needed to get done haven't, and we've run out of time.

* I am dealing with something that has become a weeklong episode of harassment which may be very gendered and may result in me calling a lawyer, so I shan't discuss it further.

* Interpersonal stuff that I won't discuss here, but that's really the hardest of it all, because we seem to be locked into a state where every move pushes someone's buttons; we're getting out of it, but just that on its own is unendingly exhausting.

* I'm not getting enough sleep because, well, obviously.

So I haven't really been talking, because see above about my lack of cope; I do not want to take anything out on anyone. But I figured I would note that my uncharacteristic absence from LJ is not due to me having received a puppy or a writing grant or a beach house without wifi. I am not doing well, and it will pass, but it hasn't yet.

In the interest of positivity

A list of things that don't suck.

* Not long after that last post, I got word that Apex is buying my poem "The Busker, Broke and Busted", which people may recall from the Arisia poetry reading. And "Splinter", which - hits some unique emotional points for me. There'll be a long post about What "Splinter" Means To Me when it's up. I have had such a dramatically awful day that this positive news just sorta tripped my breakers and I am wandering around the house processing. I am really glad these two found a home, and I'm looking forward to being able to talk about "Splinter".

* My purple velvet couch continues to be awesome and comfy and beautiful.

* I get Adam back tonight! I told Judah via chat earlier "I am wrung out. I need you, Adam, and five ceiling hooks." I'll get him and Adam in an hour and a half. If I don't get the ceiling hooks now, I'll get them tomorrow. (I'm moving my yarn into hanging baskets so I can get rid of the giant desk + hutch it's in now that takes up half my craft room. Any locals in the market for a desk + hutch? Wood, not particleboard! Very pretty! Pics to come.)

* As mentioned in the last post in passing, Victoria is 100% recovered. That was a harrowing week, watching her breathing get all labored. But she's totally fine now.

* I have extracted a promise from Judah that we will move the TV and hang the last piece of art in the living room today. (Not the last piece of art total. Just the last in the living room. We have many arts.)

* gwynraven was cool with me needing to curl up and be antisocial tonight.

Tomorrow there is a party, and I hope that I get good sleep tonight and am feeling sociable! It would be good to actually interact with people outside my house.