December 21st, 2009

I'm blogging this

Missing girl in Chicago

karnythia says: "This is my son's cousin. She may have run away, but we don't know that for sure. The police are treating her as a runaway so there is no Amber Alert. If you have seen this girl and have any information please contact the Chicago police at (312)747-8274. Or if you are just willing to spread the link, please feel free to do so. She's a kid and we're worried about her. Thank you."

Pass it around, and Chicago folks, be on the lookout!

EDIT: She's been found!
Hearth

Monday

Administration
Hello to new reader lizziecrowe and returning readers missrachael and voldsom!

Medical
Am very ready to be off gluten now. Just one more week...

Also, accidental solstice vigil is not FTW. Tired 'song is tired.

New Year's Eve
This will be my first year being in Boston for NYE, and it occurs to me that once again I have trashed invitations because I thought I wasn't going to be local, but I am. feste_sylvain reminded me of a party when he saw me RSVP to a different party on Facebook. And I just got another invite. But it occurs to me that I do not know about regular NYE parties in Boston, as I've never been around for 'em. So. If I've not responded to your invite, poke me.

EDIT: Semi-related, I do not get why random acquaintances of mine have RSVPed to my BARCC colleague's party on Facebook when they don't know him or any of the other hosts. It's not like he'll boot people out if he didn't invite them personally, but when I didn't either, and they're just crashing parties I've RSVPed to, it's... weird. Isn't it? Am I off here?

Arisia
Is making me a little bit crazy.

Link Soup
* Map quilts!
* What's your "stop doing" list?

Daily Science
Deep inside an abandoned iron mine in northern Minnesota, physicists may have spotted the clearest signal yet of dark matter, the mysterious stuff that is thought to make up 90 per cent of the mass of the universe.

Plans
I need a nap like whoa. Dad wants to haul us out to the mall to look for snow boots for Elayna (yes, in Florida, yes, this is three days in a row for him for the mall, no, I do not get it). No plans tonight that I'm aware of. I'm liking having not much to do. My October, November, and first half of December so solidly kicked my ass. I needed this.
Katchoo - Terry Moore

Ugh.

Spent most of today in bed, and most of the rest of today in the bathroom. Gluten toxicity like whoa.

And now my parents are giving me a hard time about not having steak or a burger for dinner, and I am having to hold my ground and crankily insist that really I just want my leftover salad, because even that may be too much solid food.

And this post was just interrupted for ten minutes to explain to my mother *again* that I am feeling really sick and why, and to have a conversation loop with my grandmother that consisted of variations on the following:

Her: "Salad? You should eat solid food."
Me: "That is solid food. It crunches, even."
Her: "Something you ate made you sick?"
Me: "... *yes*."
Her: "You don't know what you ate that made you sick?"
Me: "I do. It's the bread."
Her: "You could freeze some and ship it up to you and eat it when you feel better."
Me: "..."

I am limp like dishrag and weak like kitten and really tired of having the same conversation several times a day with half a dozen people. Also I got little sleep and no one would shut up long enough for me to nap.

Iz can be birthfamily time nao? Then home? Then biopsy?

POST-DINNER EDIT:

My grandmother can apparently grasp "gluten makes me sick" and "I have to eat gluten for the biopsy", just not at the same time. So. We are on infinite repeat here.

Also:

My brother-in-law: "We don't have picky eaters where I come from. They just eat what's on their plates."
Me: "And then some of them die young of various gastric cancers."
City full of ghosts

[Shayara] Kicking at the darkness

Jessa's story has been, at times, literally keeping me up at night.

It has bits in common with "My Empire for Ashes", in that it's basically a prequel novella (though it may well be novel-length by the time it's finished). It takes place about ten-twenty years after "My Empire for Ashes" (it spans about 10 years in the telling, unlike MEfA's few months), and Alexander, now the Telenias, does show up in it; this one covers the formation of the Kirayth, and he's among the first to sign up.

Otherwise, not so much, and where that shows most is in the characters. Alexander is a character with a very rigid moral code; it's no random choice on my part that he identifies most with his Victorian previous self. He is straightforward. He may not always feel he is worthy, but he strives to be his best self.

Jessa? She's messier. Not a Hot Mess, no, but she's more complex, more tangly.

Part of what I'm examining with her story is how people can be heroes on the societal level and still fuck up terribly on the interpersonal level.

It's not just her. Marcus fucks up. Fenris fucks up, though it takes him way longer to compromise himself, and it damn near breaks him to realize how he's allowed himself to lie to himself in order to do what he does. (Which is cryptic, yeah, but it all makes sense. For reals. I promise.)

But Jessa's the protagonist, and unlike Fenris, she's actively choosing to do things she knows are wrong. Not often. Really just the one thing. But she does it twice, to two different people.

And yet she is undeniably one of the Good Guys. The revolution in Shayara could not have taken place without her leadership. The Kirayth would not have been formed.

Then again, the Purges wouldn't have happened either.

Alexander, the Telenias - he always does what is right, and all of the wrongness in his story is done to him, not by him. Jessa does what is right for her city and her people and her daughter. But sometimes she falls into the trap of thinking that she deserves just a little more than she is meant to have, and to hell with the breaking of hearts, hers and others.

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Anyway. She's not perfect; no one is. She fucks up. But overall, she is good and she does good, and it hurts when she fucks up. That is all, I suppose.

EDIT: And why the title of the post? Because she and Fenris are so absolutely lovers in a dangerous time, and the Oysterband cover of that song is #1 on her playlist.
I have fallen but I will get up

(no subject)

I'm already down tonight, due to feeling sick all day. It drags. It wears on me. It has three weeks of having my Self ripped away, just when I'd gotten her back.

I have looked at detailed lists of celiac symptoms. I see my hippocampal sclerosis, my seizures. I see my pain and my fatigue. I see, unexpectedly, my tooth discoloration.

But the thing I see that cuts me open is "recurrent miscarriages".

When I was 16. Then 18-19 with the first husband. Several of them, clustered, still a terrible wound in me. Then, most recently, one that came almost as a relief. But I never know. I assumed scar tissue from the first one wouldn't let the others stick.

All these years I waited and bled; I'd wanted three children, and it is too late now. I adore the daughter I have. But not having more? Still hurts.

And it may all be the fault of doctors who never ran a simple blood test. Me curled up bleeding sobbing on the floor just because no one ever thought of celiac.

Or it might be my mother, who tried to cook without wheat for teenage me and gave up because it was a nuisance.

I could have had no pain. I could have had a son, and another daughter.

This is what I have now. And I'll do my best with it. But sometimes it is all so close.

Medicated and typoing; time for bed.