June 29th, 2005

Hearth

Odin's Day

Administration
Happy birthday to meihua and taiste!

Medical
Worst day in a while, side-effect-wise; exhaustion + nausea are joined by coordination fuckery, vision fuckery, mild brain fuckery, face hurting (mostly mouth and nose). Been a while since I've had more than hints of the latter three. Unrelated to side effects: headache was here, but Tylenol seems to have worked on it. *sigh* Such is life. I must tough it out. EDIT @ 9:20: Bad, BAD nausea.

Heh.
I officially find someone Shiny. *nod*

Writing
Did a little in the future scenario last night - Kat's daughter talking to Julia about her research. She's a sociologist and historian, not a scientist like her mother.

Stupid brain. There's not supposed to be another story after the end!

Going to go to JavaMonkey after work, body permitting, to try to kick-start the Shawn thing I'm sending to those who've ordered Shooting Star #6. (Still waiting for e-mail from my editor.)

La!
Hearth

Tag - you're it!

So. Tags.

theferrett opened his tags to the world at large yesterday... and lo, the world at large came flooding in to do st00pid tags all over his entries. Dude, seriously. *laugh* Entertaining to watch, but I would never do it. Why? Well, besides the potential for abuse - most of what I use tags for so far is my Shayara stuff. Keeping track of character bits. If I let people come in and change my tags, they could accidentally delete important stuff.

But as I peruse my friends page this morning, I notice that Ferrett's not the only one - a lot of you have opened permissions on editing your tags. ('Scuse me if this makes little sense. Brainweird.)

So my question:

Why?

And if you use tags - why? What for?
Elayna! - Karlita

Better for everyone...

I got to talk to Miss Kid last night, between dinner out and a rousing game of Uno. She's having lots of fun in Florida. :) This is her second session of camp, and she's chosen the same "specials" as first session: soccer and "widgets", which is basically science.

Anyway. Got to talking about the impending release of Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince...

Elayna: "Grandma and Grandpa pre-ordered me a copy."
Me: "Good! We ordered one too. We'll be in Boston when it comes out, so we're getting it delivered to [DocOrion]'s house."
Elayna: "That's smart!"
Me: "I thought so! And now Adam and I just have to decide who gets to read it first."
Elayna: "I think you should."
Me: "Really?"
Elayna: "Oh, yeah. It's better for everyone that way."

Better for everyone that way. *laugh* She means because I'm the fastest reader in the family, but I just love her phrasing...
Sick Hippo

Ungood.

Agitation.

Really. Bad.

Not Keppra bad. But almost. Couldn't sit still. Couldn't stay at JavaMonkey. Had to come home. (Drove VERY carefully.) Was panicky.

Interesting: Handwriting got progressively worse as agitation increased.

Going to be okay. Home now. Going to focus on building the Shayara timeline/outline for the wiki. Obsessive detail-oriented smoothing-over of things I already know ought to be soothing.

*breathes*

I don't like this.
Sick Hippo

Update

More than a bit better now, and the nausea subsided enough for me to eat a sandwich.

Cripes.

Agitation is listed as a Zonegran side effect. And I *have* been having trouble sleeping since I've been on it, intermittently.

But not that bad. It did escalate to middling Keppra levels before it went away.

docorion talked me through it, bless his heart. *sigh*

Still shifty. Not quite baseline. But functional.

I would like to know if this is going to be a regular thing.

And now I'm going to work on my wiki. Which sounds dirty, doesn't it?
Chai-Hulud - feliciaelena

Argh.

But why is the Memories feature temporarily unavailable?

EDIT: Oh, man, this wiki thing is addictive.

Wiki wiki wiki.

Also?

Wiki.

EDIT AGAIN: But seriously, this is two five hours now of Memories being down. I'm peeved.
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Mommy & Elayna

The Big Thing.

Something I've been reluctant to post about, because I don't have the right words. But I'll never have the right words. And this is my journal, dammit, so it should be here. It's been eating at me, hollowing me, for a while now. And I was only able to talk to my guys about it on Friday.

We were walking to JavaMonkey, and we saw an older woman walking with a little girl who couldn't have been more than three. Clearly a grandma and granddaughter. The little girl was wearing a sundress that left her shoulderblades exposed, and I remembered stroking Elayna's back when she was that age - how prominent the shoulderblades are, like the child might just grow wings if read the right stories... I remembered the smell of toddler hair and the lightness of a child that small. And I turned to the guys and said, "We should start thinking about the possibility of another kid, when we get up to Boston."

And we discussed it a little as we walked. And we got to JavaMonkey, and I sat down on a couch while they went to get drinks, and the thought again, the same one I've been having:

I'll never have another baby.

This is so hard to type.

I've tossed that around. The "Gee, this makess it difficult to have another baby" thing. Because the drugs I'm on are too heavy, you see; they cause birth defects. Fewer drugs = seizures. And I could be monitored - but even on a lighter dose, my body doesn't cope. The exhaustion is so profound.

Be on drugs - risk birth defects, and be unable to care for my baby due to side effects.
Go off drugs - risk harming the baby during a seizure.

Fact:

I can't take care of a baby.

I'm managing to take care of a child; Elayna's old enough to manage. But my body is too fucked up to be relied on to take care of a baby. Cold hard fact. It would be pure selfishness to have a child that I could not take care of.

No more baby.

No more nursing. No more new-baby smell. True, no more poopy diapers - but also no baby falling asleep in my arms.

No other little person to raise. Gods, I love Elayna. Who knows who that other little person could potentially be?

I never will.

Honestly, I had not been planning to have another baby. But I hadn't been planning not to.

I just always figured that, until I got too old, I would have a choice.

I was supposed to have a choice.

I don't have a choice anymore. That got taken away.

And I cried with my guys, and I'm crying now. Because it is something so fundamental. And it's been taken away.

And there. Now it's here in the diary. And maybe having written it will help, and maybe I can move on.

I was supposed to have a choice, dammit.

This is not what I would have chosen.
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