April 21st, 2005


Thor's Day

Tunnel vision, face hurts, brain weird, feeling generally a little fucked up. News to the world: Trileptal makes you feel drunk. Plus typical exhaustion & nausea. Whee.

Realized that I have a story way better for the current purpose than "Ondine", which is only tangentially related. Maybe that's why I was feeling resistant to working on "Ondine". Today I pick up on "Zero at the Bone", which some of you have already seen a bit of under a different name.

Um, I'll edit this post to add stuff later. I'm feeling generally fucked up right now.


Buy This.
Hey, catvalente has a short story out! And the anthology is for charity! You should buy it.


That repetitive arduous pain-in-the-ass task?


I deserve candy. Hey, I have chocolate at home! w00t. That's lunch. Chocolate bars.

What? I'm supposed to be gaining weight.

Anyway. That task is done. Which means I still have about 50 other end-of-semester tasks - but none of those threaten to give me carpal tunnel.



This entry is brought to you by the fact that I have ten more minutes to go at work, but all of the tasks I have take more than ten minutes and can't be done piecemeal.
  • Current Mood
    tired tired
Fizzgig! - velvetsteel

(no subject)

Note to self:

Seriously, you do not have time to deal with idiots. Granted, you don't have to pick Miss Kid up til 4:30, but still. You never have time to deal with idiots, as you have plenty of productive things that need to get done.

Already cycled through laundry. Next, dishes, then lunch - then "Zero at the Bone". Perhaps a walk before "ZatB". I believe its soundtrack is Ministry and Skinny Puppy.
  • Current Mood
    annoyed annoyed

Here I go, posting unfinished thoughts again...

docorion and I were talking yesterday, and the subject of limiting future partners by silly-ish things came up. As in, "I will no longer date men who don't wear kilts." And there was some other specification I had.

docorion: "So that still leaves you with half of my male friends."
Me: "Or men who use Windows."
docorion: "Still. Half the guys I know."
Me: "I think we decided that I'll only date guys who were on their high school debate teams." (He and Adam both were.)
docorion: "I'll ask around."
Me: "But I don't want them!"

My sudden negative reaction to a jokey thing surprised me, so I have to examine that.

I don't want anyone else.

Not just because I have NRE right now.

The reason I gave, a reason that's true, is that with my health issues, I am not capable of being an equal partner to anyone right now. And I don't ever want to be an unequal partner. It wouldn't be fair. I'm very lucky to have the guys I do, and have them support and understand my body's needs.

But I don't want anyone new. I'm not just not looking, I'm actively Not Looking; I am opposed. I'm a tiny bit resentful of even the idea of any new partners.

I didn't want new partners when I was with volta, either... and I told docorion that if I was to have anyone new, it wold likely be the way it was with him. I fell in Like with docorion over a period of about three months, with daily or near-daily e-mail correspondence. Avid readers will remember me saying that I was in Like. Well, that was docorion. And then I met him, and wow. :) But basically - it would be slow-developing. Not just "nice boots, wanna fuck?" I grew out of that.

And I have a something with kires, but that predates even volta, and it isn't a Relationship, it's a something. If there was a middle-size "r", it would be that. Between relationship and Relationship.

And next time metaphorge and I are in the same city, we're going to fuck like crazed weasels, but again, we have a Something, he and I. That dated back three years now.

But I actively don't want New People.

I think this may have something to do with the cocooning thing - I'm partly-emerged, but it seems that every heavy-social-contact situation is Too Much. I'm really going to have to gradually ease into social stuff in Boston. Slowly and carefully. And with it set out front that I am just the least available person on the planet for the foreseeable future.

EDIT: And I just realize how overly male-leaning this is. I guess that's because there's just one girl who I might have something with in the not-distant future. And I've known her in-person as long as I've known kires - to the day.

And girls are less aggressive; when I'm in new social situations, I have to fend off men, but not women so much.
  • Current Mood
    contemplative contemplative