November 27th, 2004

I ate the Doughnut! - Sunyata/Thryn

*rubs hands together and grins*

I have just confined Adam and Elayna to quarters so I can wrap their $WINTERHOLIDAY gifts.

It's so peaceful and quiet with them behind their closed doors. I may never release them. "No, honey! Still wrapping!"
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You know, I really am trying hard to keep my chin up, but when one pretty much constantly feels unwell - and then has to deliberately select a time to pretty much increase that unwellness a hundredfold for the period of a couple of hours - it is, how you say, unpleasant.

It wears on you, y'know? The nausea and deep resentment when you pour those five pills of kryptonite into your hand, lift your hand to your mouth...

I'll do a post about the good stuff later - there has been much Good Stuff this weekend, oh yes. And that shouldn't be tainted by this. Is why the separate post.

Monday is my final bump-up on the Trileptal. Thursday I end the Lamictal. Then it's a waiting game.

I try to keep my chin up. I do well. I have really good days... I have lots of days where I'm not even *trying*, where I'm just having a great time.

But twice a day, every day, I have to look at a handful of pills and make the conscious decision to effectively cripple my brain for several hours. Not just baseline-with-the-meds-in-my-system. But really nuke the fuck out of my brain. Twice a day. Every day. I know what it does to me. And I look at that handful of pills. And I swallow them.

Even on the good days. It is never easy.
Feral - PhotoGnome


As discussed with kires this morning...

I'm constantly learning things that alter things I'm taken as Basic Fact. "I thought I already knew how this was done. I that I knew everything about this."

I did not.

I'm relearning things roundabout.

I was wondering aloud if other people always were as well, or if they just weren't *actively* learning them the way kires and wispfox and I do, or if they weren't noticing them at all. kires figured it was more that last one - that, once they got The Way To Do Things settled in their heads, they just didn't see anything else.

In addition: I'm hyperverbal. Which can drive some people a little crazy. Like whenever volta wants me to arrive at a conclusion.... well, he knows that no one learns things if they're just told. So he'll nudge me and just wait for me to come to said conclusion. As I do so, I realize that he nudged me in the first place. So I'll go hyperverbal describing both how I arrived at said conclusion and how and why he nudged me and and and...

I'm just mapping out how my brain works.

kires, in response to my description of this, said words to the effect of not knowing how his own brain worked, in that no one can really know how their own brain works.

"Well. That's why I'm making the map."

I need to know I need to know I need to know.