August 19th, 2004

Boondock/can't believe

I'll be gibbering in the corner if you need me.

They're very efficient at the Cancer Institute, which I still don't like the name of. I shall now refer to it as the Place of Boobie Smushing and Poking, or TPoBSaP.

They're very efficient at TPoBSaP. Barely a chance to read. Whisked back to the room. I have a hospital bracelet. I should make a scrapbook.

They poked around and found Fred and muttered about him, about him being pretty dense, and she said that they needed to use another needle. I asked if that would be the biopsy needle, and she said yes. So. Upgraded to biopsy.

(I ask a lot of questions. I got the info about the different size needles for aspiration and biopsy at the ultrasound on Monday.)

They don't say the words cancer or malignant or tumor at these things. Because they can't tell without labwork. So I knew I wasn't going to get any of those words, even if it was something.

But there was one very innocuous word.


It looks a little toothpasty in there, she said.

What she did not know, of course, is that my aunt looked a little toothpasty in there, that word exactly, and it was cancer.

No way for them to know it was a poor word choice... but yeah. That, I guess, was the one word capable of sending me into gibbering-fear mode. Not that I gibbered there. And I am not gibbering here at work. I am outwardly calm. I am just gibbering in my head.

Because, y'know, hearing the exact same thing they told your aunt who got cancer at your biopsy will make you freak out a little. I'm pretty sure that's normal, under the circumstances.

My aunt is in remission, btw. So. Yay aunt! And she's not my birth-aunt, so that's got nothing to do with me geneticswise...

They sent it to the lab. She said I'd probably hear on Monday, but definitely by the end of the day on Tuesday. "It's probably nothing." They tell that to everyone, though, I'm sure, so I'm really not all that reassured. I mean, what are they going to do, say, "Yep, that's probably cancer" and then "Oops, it's not! Sorry!"? No, they're gonna tell you it's probably nothing.

It could be nothing.

But expect me to be doing that gibbering-in-the-corner thing a bit til I hear.

I really have had about enough of this body-malfunction shit.
  • Current Mood
    nauseated nauseated

No Connection

The phone line at the house is b0rked, so I haven't read my friends page since midyesterday; let me know if you said anything you want me to see.

yendi is home with still-a-little-feverish-off-and-on Elayna, so he won't be online today. Call his cell phone or e-mail me if you need him.

And good stuff, and then I'll shut up.

* Happy birthday to iansha... and to mah Monkey!

* Hello to new reader darkmika!

* Dude. Helluva comeback for Hamm last night in the men's gymnastics all-around. HELL of a comeback!

* Chai-fetching sysadmin just told me that his wife is pregnant!

* I got about a thousand words written yesterday, in that failed-NaNoWriMo-thing that I'm reworking. This... is a story I could not have written before my recent Vegas trip. I'm coming from a different place now. Anyway. The part that I posted, and then I wrote the beginning of her meeting Doodle and Kaylin, and I found out some stuff about her that I didn't know, and now I half have a crush on Doodle.

Okay. So. Good stuff in the world.


* One of our professors brought me back a fan from China. Beautiful!

* I get to see demetria23 at lunch today.
Boondock/can't believe

Angst re: Fred

I had actually totally talked myself out of worrying-if-it's-cancer this morning. I was mostly just nervous because I didn't know what it would be like, feel like, the needle thing.

It was one of those, "See, 'song, you're all in a tizzy over nothing. It's a cyst, they'll drain it, you'll be fine and you'll feel silly for worrying."

But then she said the thing about it being awfully dense and about it being "toothpasty", and there was just the teeniest change in tone.

Before today, I was doing the "it's probably nothing but it could very well be something", then I went to "it's almost certainly nothing", and now I'm pretty solidly on "it is fucking cancer" and trying to talk myself out of that.

Last post about it today, I promise. I'll just add on to this one if I feel the need.


I believe that spending the afternoon gigglefitting with demetria23 - passing notes about cute boys, for gods' sake - is a very nice remedy for a very scary morning.

I acted more like a teenager today than I did when I was a teenager, I swear. Our poor faculty advisor/aussie_nyc clone.

In other news... internet at home is back, obviously.

Elayna is still sick. Just a fever and Collapse )... the fever is responding to Children's Motrin, but it keeps coming back. So I'll be home with her tomorrow. Mama's turn.

That is all for now.