Me: "I can post on LJ."
Kires: "Yes, please do.... my god, there's an adult superstore. Just over Mud Creek. In Asscrack, Kansas. There's nothing here, just, there was an abandoned gas station about fifty miles back, with a drunk guy on a stool. And then just corn. And this. Just this and corn. Who decided they needed a porn superstore out here with all the corn? I mean, I can see a Barn o' Porn. But they just don't need the square footage of a porn superstore. My god, it's like Kroger with latex."
Me: "Dude, I was just typing latex, and I started to type LaTeX."
Kires: "No, that'd be a whole different kind of kink."
Kires: "I wish I had a camera. I just passed a sign that said "roadside table"."
Me: "Just... roadside table?"
Kires: "Roadside table."
Me: "Is it, like, the stone table they killed Aslan on, in Narnia? Or is it just a table?"
Kires: "That is unclear. I must speak to the management and have this rectified."
I must stop typing now. I'm just giggling incoherently. I'm not able to record this shit.
Me: "You know, I bet there's already a movie called 'Porn in the Corn'".
Kires: "...thank you, Shady. I could have gone the rest of the night without that mental image. And I think I would have been all right."
Me: "You should know what to expect when you call me after midnight. Besides, it's no worse than you saying, 'The world needs more tentacle porn with George W. Bush'".
The Bush thing came up during a discussion of Ministry concerts, incidentally.
Okay. Off the phone now.
Kires: "So let's get the division of labor clear. You... are going to sleep. I... am driving. Right?"
Me: "Right. I think that if you were to go to sleep right now - that would fall into the category of Very Bad."
Kires: "Right. Because I'd like to avoid dying. If I died, there would be no more phone-calling."
Me: "And that would be a Very Bad Thing."
Kires: "Actually, I can drive while asleep."
Kires: "I've done it before. I just have to have been awake for three days prior to doing so."
Me: "...I'm not driving with you anymore."
Right. Loopy. Must begin the arduous process of waking up in, um, four hours.
So he's driving through Kansas, "sneaking up on Colorado". He is alive. For any who have wondered.
If he hasn't fallen asleep at the wheel.
I now shall go to sleep in my bed. Far from cars and Kansas.