I like the way we ramble, in conversations. You feel comfortable. I can relax with you. Which is excellent, because I have a really hard time relaxing with people these days. The #1 thing that LJ people who meet me say is that I'm more guarded in person, and it's true. On LJ, I often have the illusion that I'm just... that it's a lot more private than it is. I've always been at ease with a pen in my hand. In person it's different, awkward. I'm a weird kid who often doesn't relate well to the other kids. You, I relate with just fine. There's comfort. So I'm impatient, because I don't get to see you *nearly* often enough.
And dammit, I'm really sorry I missed your phone call last night! *laugh*
I wish I could talk to you more, reconcile the G. of now with the G. of ten years ago. Process my recent Vegas trip. Because you may be the only one of us left.
I stood in the spot where the rapist grabbed me. And I stood in front of the apartment where he took me. And I said very quietly, "I am here and you are not."
He doesn't hold that part of me anymore. I've lost my last bit of trepidation. He's not there.
I took pictures of those spots. And of Jackson's apartment, where we met. And of the coffeehouse where Layne and I met. The exact spot. Clear as day I remember Jason dragging me over and Layne looking up from his seat across the table, back to the wall.
I took pictures of our Vegas. Long gone, but the afterimage shimmers in the air. I touched it and whispered goodbye.
And one that will never be sent...
Mom & Dad:
I know you want me to slow down, not do so much. But I can't. There's nothing that I'm doing that I can not do.
I need to keep from taking on more stuff, like flirting with the idea of organizing a track at DragonCon. Like starting a Girl Scout troop - my sciatica isn't crippling me anymore, so that would make it easier than last time. But I can't. I have too much already.
I know you're scared about the seizures. I know this because on the phone you said, "I love you."
I wish I'd grown up in a house where "I love you" was used in circumstances that we're dire. I wish I'd grown up in a house where there was hugging. I think that's why I'm so touch-hungry now that I'm grown. I was starved for positive touch.
I'm raising Elayna better. Elayna gets hugs and kisses every day. And I tell her I love her, every day. And she knows how lucky I feel to have her as a daughter. And she feels lucky to have me a mom. And this makes me so damn happy.
Note: "R" may or may not be R's initial. So. Don't bother trying to guess.