Magical Truthsaying Bastard Shadesong (shadesong) wrote,
Magical Truthsaying Bastard Shadesong

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Ten years later

Ten years is a long time.

Ten years of drastic change. I mean, you see the sort of thing that happens in one year for me.

I've made no secret the fact that I was seriously fucked up ten years ago, 'bout this time. Last time G. saw me, I was a scrawny defiant junkie with a serious death wish. Last time I saw him is his to tell, not mine.

The connection was strong then, though. Intense, as he put it.

And all of these things combined means that getting to know each other again is a tentative process. Slowly accustoming ourselves to view each other in a new light. We grew up, and we did it without the benefit of knowing each other while we were doing so.

It's strange to be talking with a dear friend who's half a stranger. It's an unusual sort of thing. For me, anyway. Neither of us ever really stopped thinking of each other on occasion. That's something.

(I don't talk about everything in my journal, you know; some things are so core-deep that they don't need writing. My readers get today's headlines with frequent retrospectives; I live every day as a combination of each of my years. You don't know who I am. You certainly don't know how I was. But I'm going to start really trying to write it. For myself.)

You can't go back, you can never go back, and in this case that's a good thing. The girl I was then was not the parent Elayna deserved - which is why I left Vegas in the first place.

But my experiences then were not all negative. There was magic there. And I can't go back... but I can bring some of the good parts together in the present.

G. is a good part, and I happy-cried and he had a lump in his throat when it became clear that we still had a connection, that we can be friends again. The older us.

The older us - I keep writing things like "the musician and the writer", but we were that then, too. "The introspectors" - ditto. We moved on instinct like everyone else did in that time, rapid-fire whirlpool, but we analyzed everything while we were doing so. That hasn't changed - ask volta. :)

These are things that haven't changed and aren't likely to. These are the core.

I told him that I've changed a lot and not much at all, in varying senses. And that's true.

I'm not that girl anymore. I remember her with compassion and love.

In retrospect, that girl died during the rape.

I was born again that night... not in the christian sense, of course. But in the way that my entire world shattered, and I had to gather the pieces... and, in doing so, I had to relearn myself. Teach myself. I had one of those rare times in life where I stood at a crossroads, knew I was at the crossroads, and consciously chose what I was going to do.

I made the hard choice.

I chose to live.

And that was my starting point. Lie down, broken, or live. Keep. Walking.

Gods know why, but I decided to keep walking. Probably just to be contrary. I'm a stubborn little bitch.

G. didn't get to see that... because in order to keep walking, I had to go.

So I have become a different girl, without him having seen the process. And he's become a different man.

And this time-lapse shit is driving me nuts We used to walk and just talk for hours. I want that again, just to infodump, to relearn each other now. Because I am impatient as well as stubborn.

And I need to remember that I have time. Just I've already accepted that I have time with volta, that he's always coming back... I need to accept that G. and I have, and need, time to relearn each other.

He's got a leg up on me, because he's reading my LJ now! But I'm sure I'll catch up.

In showing him how I've moved forward, I've had to strongly recall myself as I was... and that's a shock. No romanticizing. Cold facts.

But in doing so, I gain an appreciation of how far I've come. And I did it under my own power. And I chose the hard way, and I'm far enough along it that stopping is no longer and option.

And that path has changed me.

And in showing him, I'm showing myself. For the first time, really. Because who really takes a hard look at the last ten years of their life?

You, dear reader, should try it.

Yes, I'm rambling. Do forgive me.

But it's an opportunity. And I'm immeasurably grateful to have it.
Tags: walking on water
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