Magical Truthsaying Bastard Shadesong (shadesong) wrote,
Magical Truthsaying Bastard Shadesong

  • Mood:

Missing him

I'm actually a bit depressed today... first time in a long time. (No, the recent hullabaloo didn't depress me; it sent me into a state of total shock, and then I became okay.)

I've been missing volta.

Like I said in March... when he spent a week here, he became part of my everyday life, not just a visitor; he belongs. It's not just the amazing sex. :) It was eating breakfast at my favorite place. It was being driven to work by him. It was being held by him when my chills and 102+-degree fever slammed into me in the space of five minutes. It was looking up at him, it was his smile, his hair in my hands. It was hanging out with friends... worthy of note my last bf (and volta's not actually a bf, he's a partner), my only prior long-distance relationship, never fit with my friends. He was aloof and uncomfortable. He didn't fit.

volta fits. He's not an extrovert by any means; he's not boisterous, he hangs out in the background, but he's smiling as he does so, and holding me, and he just fits.

I almost feel like I should be able to call him and have him come over to watch Angel tonight, like he should be playing backgammon with Miss Kid while I hang up her clean clothes. It's not an Event when he's here. He's just here, and it feels like he should always be here.

He e-mailed me last night; I got the e-mail upon returning from movie night at mermaidblue's. His e-mail just said, "I miss you terribly, Love."

My reply: Oh, love... I miss you too.

I was just pouting to thevault not five minutes ago about having to wait a whole damn month. It's not *right*. You should have been with us tonight, stroking my hip and smiling indulgently as I settled into the girlpile. Walking me home - because I only got a ride home because I'm a little girl walking alone at midnight. You should have been there for me to laugh with and kiss...


GodDAMN, I miss you.

When I went to bed, I cried just a little. Not sobs. Just the little chokey cry and a few tears. But it was the first time this distance has brought me to tears. I hope it's the last... we are dealing okay most of the time, we've just both had a really shitty few weeks (on our own, not a relationship thing) and are acutely feeling the need to just hold each other. And... he's not here.
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