Magical Truthsaying Bastard Shadesong (shadesong) wrote,
Magical Truthsaying Bastard Shadesong

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The last secret, the last silence

The time has come, the walrus said.

It's been clear to everyone that there's been a major shitstorm down around here lately. Every day brings to light a new level, a new tendril. A little more of the facade is torn away. A little more of the network of lies is revealed. It's insidious and agonizing. I spent Monday and Tuesday sobbing. I spent Wednesday working on repairing a friendship he twisted almost to the breaking point. I still have work to do. We all do. We are helping to put each other back together, now that we know.

I have been lied about - and to - for over a year. By someone I trusted. (Please do go read that link now.) I've been portrayed as unbalanced, psychotic, etc. - because that was what suited him. After all, that was what he said about all of the other girls. He didn't even have to think up new lines.

You guys wanted to know what was up? This is what's up.

November 2002 was one of the most difficult months of my life... my relationship with yendi was ending, and I was about to end my own life over it. No, I'm not kidding. You guys can only imagine how yendi and I feel about each other. I could not conceive of Life After Yendi. He's my heart.

So... I was on suicide watch.

That night, one of the three people I trusted most in the world came over to sit with me, talk me through it. I went from immobile, unresponsive, silent, finally through to tears and exhaustion. He cried before I did. (He did with the other girls, too.)

And when I was still shaking from crying, curled up with my head in his lap, he began petting me gently. Touch = comfort, to me - well, it did then - so this was Of The Good, his hand on my belly. But then his hand went under my shirt, pulled it up. Stroked bare flesh. And he told me how beautiful I was, etc.... and how it was okay with his girlfriend if he did things, she just didn't want to know about them, didn't want them being any big thing.... and even though I'd never thought of him in a sexual sense at all, being as he was partnered, the touch was comforting, and...

Hi, vidicon.

This went on for a year. Not suicide-watch, but... when we were alone, things happened. And it grew to hurt me more and more. Poor yendi had to watch my face crumple when he left. Always leaving once he got that. And always silence.

The silence is how he kept doing it.

Four Six girls.

One of the others has already posted.

EDIT: Make that two.

And about each of us, the same lines. "She just has this crush on me. She wants an inappropriate relationship with me. She's too unstable. I'm not comfortable with her."

About mermaidblue, to me. About me, to mermaidblue. About both of us, to bheansidhe - and to our entire local community.

With me, he got more complex. He told everyone not just these things - but that I'd somehow deluded myself into thinking that he loved me and that we had a relationship. Just to make sure no one ever talked to me about it. And he reinforced to me, over and over, that I was his secret and that I was never to speak of this.

Don't tell anyone. If you do, they won't believe you.

vidicon inspires trust. It's a gift of his. I actually feel somewhat better knowing that he managed to fool our entire local community. Makes me feel slightly less stupid.

And... I trusted him. I trusted him on everything. Of course I did... he was one of my best friends. He knew everything about me. He was my priest-counselor.

I'm me. You know me. When I get into a cycle like this, I feel trapped, but I'm not able to recognize it as such - I just feel sick to my stomach. So he'd come over, other people would leave, and he'd, *ahem*, want relief. Small thing to do, so I did, and he left, and I cried. Not just a whore, but a secret whore. Too dirty a girl to be acknowledged publicly. Secret shame.

And that was 2003 for me.

What ended that was this: We had a fight in December of last year. It got bad. And it led to us not speaking for a month.

That month without him was a godsend. When he was with me, it was a constant stream of "You're so beautiful" and "I want you so much." The longing looks, the sighs. He overwhelms you, in person. Without him, I could think. And without him, I realized that what we were doing was hurting me.

While I was coming to this realization, he was covering his ass. I hear tell that he made a post claiming that our fight was about something else entirely and painting me as deeply psychotic. Because I was angry... and what if, being angry, I told someone? Better discredit me in advance!

Don't tell anyone. If you do, they won't believe you.

In January, we started talking again. And he was disappointed when I said no more sexual contact. Kept trying. But I have been teaching myself self-preservation... and with yendi's help, I stuck to my guns.

And then he and bheansidhe broke up.

And then we girls all started finding out about each other. All of us.... he seduced me when I was suicidal over losing yendi. He seduced mermaidblue soon after her mother was diagnosed with cancer. And so on. And he even used all the same words.

What we thought was comfort... was not.

What we thought was love... was not.

I'm trying to be dispassionate here. This has not been easy. I am sure you can imagine that this has not been easy. To find out that practically everyone I know in this town has had their idea of me tainted by his lies... that's what hit me first. You know me - I don't realize things are wrong until they're blatant. Emotional stuff is never obvious to me. Hit me, and I know you did something wrong.

But seduce me when I'm suicidal, and that doesn't scan as wrong to me. As he knew. And that's the part that made bheansidhe literally scream.

But I trusted him. Implicitly.

bheansidhe doesn't hate me, and I don't understand why. I never said no. I should have said to myself that something was up, and ended it, but I never did. I did a bad thing. I am not dodging that. Hell, I keep telling bheansidhe that. But she says that he did a worse thing to me.

mermaidblue and I are finally talking again like we used to. He spread his lies about us to everyone, but he spread them far thicker to us - above all, he couldn't risk the two of us talking to each other. He strained that friendship beyond recognition. But we see what happened now, and we're working it out.

The things you heard about me are not the things that happened. This is what happened. Ask yendi. Ask mermaidblue. Ask bheansidhe. Among others.

This is what happened: I was stupid. He is the sweet-smelling pitcher plant of the greater Atlanta area, and I got sucked in. And I was not the only one.

He used the same words. Both to seduce us, and to discredit us. The very same words.

The insidious thing? We still love and want to trust him, even with the horrors that have been disclosed. This is what allowed him to do this in the first place. He's vidicon! He exudes that. Which is how he got us. And how he was able to discredit us so thoroughly. Hell, I should be raging about this, but my mind can't encompass it enough for that. I just hurt.

My priest-counselor.

There is no absolution for any of us.

All there is is truth.
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