Magical Truthsaying Bastard Shadesong (shadesong) wrote,
Magical Truthsaying Bastard Shadesong
shadesong

Safety

It occurred to me that I specified "a safe person" in that last post, and it saddened me.

There was a time when I could barely stand the touch of someone I didn't know Very Well Indeed. Over the past howevermany years, I've gone back to being baseline me, hugs hello and goodbye, sprawled with friends on the couch like a pile of kittens....

But the behind-the-scenes thing that's been happening has changed that. Because one of the supposedly-safest people in my life... was the one who perpetuated that series of lies, saving their face and covering their ass at the expense of, well, me. Who thoroughly abused my trust and the trust of others. Who used that touch=comfort thing ... not against me... but... to their benefit.

And I've noticed myself drawing away from touch. I was having a falling-apart evening on Monday, and I called reprobayt; he came over right away. Now, reprobayt is safe. He'll tell you he's a naughty naughty man, and he is, but in this sense, he is Safe.

And I couldn't hold him. I was crying m'damn eyes out, curled into almost a full-fetal position and just... leaning against him awkwardly. I couldn't allow myself to be held by my friend.

Last night as well. Pre-seizure. I noticed myself drawing in when I was talking to the girls. Body curling up, edging away from any touch.

So the previous post isn't just about wanting to be cuddled.

It's about wanting to be able to feel SAFE as I get cuddled.

I'm trying to be the usual me. Still the hugs hello and goodbye. And I'm trying to be okay with casual touch. I'm NOT right now. And that disturbs me more than you can know.

I want that part of myself back.
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