Magical Truthsaying Bastard Shadesong (shadesong) wrote,
Magical Truthsaying Bastard Shadesong

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More progress

I've been talking about my kiri a lot these days. I don't want to give anyone the impression that yendi has slipped in my priorities in the slightest; he is my life partner, my best friend, my fiance. The only reason you're hearing so much about my kiri and not about my yendi...

My relationship with volta is new. This is all just happening in realtime, and we're analyzing and discovering, etc.

yendi and I have been best friends for eight years and partners for four. You bet your ass I was doing the same sort of thing with him as I am with volta now - you just didn't see it. (Well, tsarinanic did. :))

yendi and I have settled into each other. Anyone who's met us can verify that we've been like old marrieds for years now, sarcastic banter down pat, affection clearly visible.

volta and I are just now discovering who we are to each other, what this all means.

I'm not jumping after something new. I'm incorporating something new.

And yendi grins and hugs me and loves that I'm happy, and yes, I ask him all the time if he's sure, and he is.

What I started this post with, then deleted...

They make me feel safe.

If you have known me for any length of time, you know how rare that is. I was raised in an environment that emphasized the lack of safety. I was raised knowing that a person could be cruel or abusive at a whim, and that there was nothing you could do and precious little way of protecting yourself.

yendi is the first person who I ever felt safe with. He loves me no matter what. He will never, ever hurt me. He will never tear apart a foundation I believed to be stable. He loves me, and I can trust that he loves me.

And now.... I know I'm safe with volta. I have been extremely vulnerable with him - and he cherishes me as much as yendi does. And he will not hurt me.

No matter how safe one person can be, it's still a teetery thing. But with two people...

It doesn't feel like a fluke anymore. Does that make sense?

It's that maybe it's not just yendi in this. If it's yendi and volta both....

...then it's me, too.
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