For the past year and a half, that's been a conscious process; I made the mistake of making a request of Kali that could be, and was, interpreted rather loosely. I've been set on a path, and I have been dancing change. This was interrupted by interpersonal chaos late-ish last year, but I managed to get back on the path by December. And I keep walking, keep dancing, as evidenced by my recent work on one of my triggers.
I've felt that I've been dragged backwards on the trip, confronting issues of my twenties, then my teens, and my childhood, back to that impenetrable core... and now I feel safe enough, with my men and my beloved friends, to let that center heal. I'd been attacking it. I needed to dance into it. Unfolding is. :)
Of course I'm not done. No one's ever done. But I feel more content, more at peace, than I have been in some time.
I don't think I was ready to do this before, as I was all turmoilicious... but now I feel... accepting, if that makes sense. I have been needing to do this for years, but I wanted it for the wrong reasons. I wanted to stand defiant. Now I just want to see home once again, to walk the streets and remember the girl I was ten years ago, remember everyone, and smile, and kiss them goodbye. Not to confront anything... but to walk among ghosts and to give them my love. Because this is not a story that ends with a grandiose battle. This is a story that ends in peace.
I feel it's too big a reward for something relatively small on my part, but he's reassured me time and again that it isn't. Still, I've asked for more to do to earn it.
There are not many people I could do this with. He is one. And I want to show him my town. And he agrees that this, now, is a good decision, an excellent choice. The ultimate step. An act of love.
June 2004. Ten years later. I am going to see my home one more time.