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Scheherazade in Blue Jeans
freelance alchemist
This is your periodic reminder that Judah Sher is a rapist. 
23rd-Jun-2014 10:59 am
Illyana/soulsword
And specifically, Judah Sher is a rapist and abuser who has once again begun to escalate his behavior toward me.

Saturday afternoon and evening, there was a big party. This party occurs annually; of it and its sister party, I've missed only one in the more than seven years I've lived in Boston. I had a ride all lined up... but I woke up Saturday morning with terrible pain in my neck and shoulders. The pain didn't get better, and the muscle relaxants made me muzzy-headed, so I regretfully decided not to go. E-mailed my ride and took a nap.

I woke from my nap to text messages and Gchats from several friends at the party warning me that Judah was there.

Let's break this down.

After a year of not harassing me face to face, Judah has decided to go to a place he knows I'll be, has every reason to expect I'll be. I posted nowhere that I would not be at this party that I always attend. Yes, my foot is broken, but I did post that I went out Friday night regardless, so if he's looking at my social media, he knows the broken foot's not a deterrent. (And the fact that I got a barrage of "are you on your way? you should know he's here" messages shows that the general expectation was that I WOULD be there.)

Let me remind you that I have a restraining order against him. Had I been there, I would have called 911, and he would have been arrested.

What was Judah planning on doing to me Saturday that he wouldn't care about getting arrested for?

And here's another layer of interesting scary shit: Last time I sprained my ankle, I was with him. I posted at the time (in something I'm not linking to here because it discusses some things I don't discuss publicly) that ankle/foot injuries are extra scary for me because of a domestic violence relationship I was in when I was much younger, where my ex would specifically re-injure my ankle so I couldn't run.

I wrote that post in Judah's bed. With him sitting beside me. To explain why I was so twitchy and edgy about a simple sprained ankle.

So. Judah walked into a place where he thought I would be extremely physically and emotionally vulnerable. To do - what? Intimidate me, harass me? Assault me again, in the time he had before the cops showed?

What harm to me would be worth Judah's arrest, in his mind?

I am very shaken by this. This is the first time he's deliberately attempted to flout the restraining order since it was put in place. I had thought he'd disappeared into his new friends group, that he was avoiding mine. This is unpredictable, it was deliberate, and I'm not entirely sure what the next steps are. I had to spend my yesterday e-mailing party hosts and cons explaining that my abuser is escalating and might show up on their premises. That's not a fun place to be.

I posted a reminder on Twitter and Facebook that he's a rapist. On FB, I got some pushback, much of which amounted to "why are you posting this again now, a year later?"

Because I don't want him to be a Missing Stair. If he's trying to insert himself into my community again, I need to repeat that, underline it. He is a serial abuser who has a nine-year pattern of emotional abuse, escalated in recent years to rape and physical abuse.

The thing about escalation is that it tends to not stop.

I'm not a vengeful ex out to be mean to someone for no reason.

I'm the person keeping the big damn spotlight on the rapist in our midst.

Because aside from the whole "was he going to stab me? what was he going to do to me?", there's the fact that this is a party where my very charming rapist likes to pick up chicks.

So this is not entirely about me. This is about the next girl, and how I do not want there to be one.

EDIT: Since the question arose on Facebook: This is an open-invite party, with details posted on LJ and multiple mailing lists. He was not on an invite list.
Comments 
23rd-Jun-2014 04:45 pm (UTC)
One thing about these fuckers is when they tip their hand, you know they're still playing cards. I am very angry on your behalf. I am very proud you are using all the tools available to you to keep him from exerting power over you.
(Deleted comment)
23rd-Jun-2014 05:52 pm (UTC)
I'm sorry to hear that you're still having to go through this. My hat's off to you for the way you're continuing to fight this - though I'm really somewhat sickened at the realization I'd just had that there probably won't ever be a point where you can declare that you have "won" and won't need to fight anymore. If there's ever anything I can do to help, please let me know.
23rd-Jun-2014 06:09 pm (UTC)
Yep. No finish line. Even after I win the civil case... how likely is he to just up and go away? Not very.
23rd-Jun-2014 06:41 pm (UTC)
Wow. Just... wow. My admiration for abuse survivors has just blown through the roof.
24th-Jun-2014 10:55 am (UTC)
The guy who raped me swore he was leaving the state in disgrace. Instead, he waited two years and it now going back to an old friends group who doesn't know or doesn't believe or doesn't care.

Hit me right in the gut when he liked a picture of MY SON on facebook, posted by my ex. Who doesn't care. I'm so sorry about this. I'm glad you find your voice to speak and I hope people back you up. I will.
24th-Jun-2014 12:16 pm (UTC)
Hit me right in the gut when he liked a picture of MY SON on facebook

That is extra super fucked up. I'm sorry.
24th-Jun-2014 08:03 pm (UTC)
W. T. F.

I just get more and more reasons to dislike that guy. I agree wholeheartedly with shadesong, that is extra super fucked up.
23rd-Jun-2014 06:02 pm (UTC)
UGH, that is revolting and awful.

I'm surprised he's welcome at that party. I know the hosts have banned people before (including a person who harassed friends of mine but who has not, as far as I know, ever assaulted anyone). May I forward this post to the party hosts?
23rd-Jun-2014 06:08 pm (UTC)
I e-mailed them Saturday night, and they're both on my friendslist so they may have already seen this - but absolutely feel free to forward, with your opinions on the matter. I know several people were made uncomfortable by his presence and told the hosts so at the time and afterward.

I know of at least two people they've banned for harassment and sexual assault in the past. There's precedent.

Edited at 2014-06-23 06:11 pm (UTC)
23rd-Jun-2014 09:20 pm (UTC)
That facebook thread...
23rd-Jun-2014 09:39 pm (UTC)
Please put this under a cut. This is still trigger material for me, and reading it coming home from work has been very very hard.
24th-Jun-2014 03:36 am (UTC)
I am... sorry. Seems inadequate. Work has been consuming all my spoons and then some; I've not had time to sit and organize my thoughts.
11th-Jul-2014 05:55 pm (UTC)
I was linked to this story by a friend of mine; you don't know me, but I wanted to voice my support.

Thank you for keeping him in the crosshairs - as if getting someone properly called out for being a rapist weren't hard enough, the battle to make sure the label sticks apparently never ends, and I'm sure you're tired.

And seriously your FB friends asked you why you're bringing it up a year later? Those aren't your friends.

Jesus. I'm so sorry.
13th-Jul-2014 10:35 pm (UTC)
Thank you very much. It is tiring. :/
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