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Scheherazade in Blue Jeans
freelance alchemist
A complicated relationship with my smallness 
27th-Mar-2014 04:11 pm
Writing - photo
Last year at this time, I weighed about 129 pounds. Usual pound or two plus or minus over the average week. I am 4'11", mind, so that is a bit on the chubby side for my frame, but I was fine with it. It was a good, stable weight that I'd been at for a while, ever since going off the last med that had a weight-gain side effect.

After Judah, I dropped fourteen pounds in a hurry, with the concomitant hair loss, et cetera. Stress nausea is a bitch. I worked at trying to keep from losing more, and was eventually able to put a few pounds back on; it looked like my new normal was about 118. Which was fine. I was happy there. Still had my familiar curves. Got bras that fit. I stayed there til January.

And when that all went down? Another ten pounds down, fast, which should tell you how awful it really was. (I have never had weight loss from a normal breakup, not even the rare nonmutual ones.) Stabilized a little bit, then dropped again as the badness continued.

So today I am 105.

105 is a different world. My compactness is so strange to me. I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror at PT, doing an arm and core exercise where my body was diagonal to the floor, and I was shocked at how little of me there was. No more comforting little mamabelly; my stomach is flat like it's been photoshopped.

I guess that's part of the unreality of it. I look like the "after" of a photoshopped picture. Hipbones visible, thighs slimmed down unrealistically, no belly.

I looked like me at 129. I got accustomed to 118. But this miniature pared-down version of me feels so alien.

I don't really have a pithy ending for this. I'm going to go eat some nachos.
Comments 
27th-Mar-2014 08:22 pm (UTC)
I think nachos sound good? Corn always gives me weight gain. (Well, all grain, but of the gluten-free carbs, corn is the most problematic.) Can you eat other grains reliably?
27th-Mar-2014 08:24 pm (UTC)
And the cheese should help! Yes, I can and do eat all grains that don't have gluten. I've been losing weight on red beans, sausage, and rice. :(
27th-Mar-2014 08:29 pm (UTC)
Hmm. The other thing that immediately fixes that for me is processed sugar. Maybe you need some coconut sticky rice desserts or something else that combines honey/sugar with starch? That's the sort of thing I feed my spouse when he's losing weigh too precipitously. I bake him gluten-free honey pancakes, or sweet-rice-flour brownies, etc.
27th-Mar-2014 08:57 pm (UTC)
Oooh. Recipe for coconut sticky rice deliciousness?
27th-Mar-2014 09:35 pm (UTC)
fatcook designed this amazing dessert for Kherishdar, and I tried it and it was so good. The recipe/discussion post!
27th-Mar-2014 11:19 pm (UTC)
I do not need to put on pounds but, ye gods, I need to make that rice!
27th-Mar-2014 11:20 pm (UTC)
It was a stunning gift, those recipes. I cherish them. :D
27th-Mar-2014 11:21 pm (UTC)
Ooooo. I am already drooling reading that recipe. *saves*
27th-Mar-2014 09:41 pm (UTC)
Question is, whatever weight you are, are you healthy? <- where healthy is defined as no new problems resulting from the weight loss.

Still, gaining weight is easier, yes? Although I suppose adding muscle mass and not adipose might be harder? [not like I'd know from experience, most exercise would destroy my joint cartilage, and I can't afford the £7/hr for swimming.]

I guess what I'm saying is that while it's not good to loose weight like that, the root cause is obvious, hopefully will no longer apply and this could be viewed as an opportunity to gain weight healthily maybe. I dunno, how would you feel about a version of you that includes muscle curves etc?
27th-Mar-2014 10:56 pm (UTC)
I hope the PT will help with muscle mass!
28th-Mar-2014 12:00 pm (UTC)
Here's hoping... a little extra strength is always handy.
27th-Mar-2014 11:18 pm (UTC)
As jealous as I am that "I'm going to go eat some nachos" is a >good< reaction to the problem, I understand how being too thin can be uncomfortable, upsetting, and frustrating. Historically, women's metabolisms start to slow down after age 40, so maybe time will be kind to you in this area.

Hang in there. Trying to put pounds on a body that doesn't want to keep them is a frustrating thing, indeed.
28th-Mar-2014 12:21 am (UTC)
I support this nachos plan. :-)
28th-Mar-2014 12:24 am (UTC)
Hey! I am available for nachos outside my house, too.
28th-Mar-2014 04:40 am (UTC)
It is... interesting, to me, that our sizes are so similar and our desires for weight are so opposite. I hope that you can get back to your desired weight and maintain it soon.
28th-Mar-2014 07:46 pm (UTC)
Mmmmmm... nachos.....
29th-Mar-2014 06:02 am (UTC)
Hmmm. Your "I am 4'11", mind, so that is a bit on the chubby side for my frame" makes me wonder: do you know what your medically ideal weight is? I'm a smidge shorter than you and currently 3 pounds above the goal weight my doctor wants me to get to, but I personally want to lose another 10 after that; there are no weight charts, so I don't know who's right!
29th-Mar-2014 12:02 pm (UTC)
Medically ideal gets tricky! I should also have said that I've very small-boned.

I think BMI is bullshit, and basically I just judge on how I feel about my body. At 129, I felt too heavy - my body impeded my movement. At 105, I feel too thin, although this probably is right around my medically ideal weight.
31st-Mar-2014 05:26 am (UTC)
Yeah 105 lbs is around the "medically ideal" number for your height. Is there a time between, say, age 16 & 30 when you felt really healthy & strong? The weight you were at that time might be a good one for you.

BMI is not a totally bogus concept. It fails miserably with athletes because muscle is very dense producing high BMI values. But for most people it's a reasonable approximation.
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