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Scheherazade in Blue Jeans
freelance alchemist
Recent, quieter things 
24th-Jun-2013 07:55 am
Hearth
Still having revelations about how deliberately horrible Judah was to me, but I do seem to have gotten past all the big ones. I was reminded the other day of the time in... early May? Late April? When he went out for drinks with his new friends group, the one that's all "fuck everything that moves without any regard for safer sex or people's relationships". But I didn't know that about them at the time, and the group was being presented as fun new people who have events we might like to attend. But this time they were going to an Allston bar I hate, so I said "I really don't wanna get puked on by drunk frat boys - but let me know if you end up going somewhere else instead, because I'd like to hang out with you and meet people!"

So they went somewhere else, he didn't tell me, and he picked up a random illiterate 19-year-old (don't know how far that went - he said nowhere, but I don't automatically believe him anymore) and was uncommunicative and lied about when he'd be home. Said he "forgot" I'd asked to be informed of a change of venue. But in context, yeah, he was keeping me from meeting these people so he could fuck his way through them with me unawares; his main entry point to that group pimped him out to at least three women while I was at Wiscon.

He knew when I got back that there was no way of coming back from that. Because I found out, of course. And also re: the woman he had unprotected sex with who has high-risk HPV, who refused to divulge test results, whose results he lied about - he knew that I'd have to make a call about whether I could ever have sex with him again, and with a solid week of cheating on me under his belt, maybe he felt like he had nothing left to lose.

I don't know why he thought I wouldn't report the rape. I don't know why he was surprised when I called the cops after he beat me up.

But yeah. This was all very deliberate and premeditated on his part.

***

I had a hard time at parts of the Beginning of Summer party.

My experience this year was different than it's been at the last few parties. I'm used to having days-long arguments about parties, and then being sometimes literally stuck in the corner so he can run off and Be the Prettiest and sparkle at women and get hit on and dry-humped. Which I got used to. Have folding chair, will hold court.

I circulated more at this one. At the last party, I wore navy blue; at this one, I wore white and bright green and was visible. I got to talk to people. I didn't have to keep track of him and keep limiting myself to keep the spotlight on him. That felt good.

But I had to keep my phone on me at all times and keep scanning the perimeter in case he showed up. No one in his situation in their right mind would. But he's clearly not in his right mind. So I had to keep watch, had to have a constant tension level and readiness for response.

And it's not fair that he raped and beat me and I have to be going through that. I want the science-fiction future where we can accelerate my healing and put the fear and shame on the person who inflicted it.

The part that was actively hard was the fire-spinning. Judah spins staff, and has been fire marshal the last few parties. He used to fly out here just to spin at these parties. So I went from circulating and having fun like not-usual to sitting down to watch firespinning - like usual. Every year, twice a year, I would sit right there and watch him, and admire him.

And this year he was not there, where he always is. Because he raped me and beat me up.

Tears came, and I stepped away and called michaeldthomas, then pulled mangosteen aside to cry it out and probably get mascara all over his shirt. I was devastated. Because I have so many things going on in my head simultaneously.

Because he was my future, my forever.

And yet the minute he hit me, that future was impossible.

The person I went on a date with Tuesday described the moment he knew he and his wife were getting a divorce. A future where the continued to be married was suddenly impossible. And in that moment, everything became remote. Just - could not see them with each other anymore.

And there's that. It's been less than a month. But, especially because the Judah I talked myself into believing in never existed, because now I see the long pattern of gaslighting and abuse - it is remote. There is no future that includes him even as a friend, and everything feels so very remote.

But I did believe in him. For so long. To part of my brain, that Judah was real and I loved him. And that doesn't instantly vanish. My Judah would never/my Judah was a mask/my Judah never existed. Cycles.

***

I am a control freak. I have my reasons. I am a control freak who is not in control at this time. I am a catlike person in that I do not like to show my pain, and yet here I am. The very act of speaking out to protect my community means that my pain is on public display. Line up and poke Shira's wounds. This is hard. This makes me angry. And so I swing through anger, fear, distress, loss, all in the same day sometimes.

And I understand why people walk away sometimes, why they don't prosecute, why they try to pretend it didn't happen. Because this is hard. It is incredibly hard. Even for someone who knows their resources. It is an emotionally wrenching and grinding thing to have to go through.

But this is Judah Sher's true face. This is a nine-year pattern of emotional abuse and domestic violence - oh, I have put together a lot of history there.

And if I shut up and shut him out and walk away like nothing happened?

He'll do it again.

I never blame anyone who doesn't want to press charges. See above about THIS IS FUCKING HARD. You have to take care of yourself first. If that means you can't do this, you can't do this.

But I have family and partner and community support in a way that not enough survivors of rape and domestic violence have.

And I will stay the course, so he will not be able to do this to anyone else.
Comments 
24th-Jun-2013 12:26 pm (UTC)
You're amazing, just so you know. I am glad you are strong, and glad you have people there for the moments when you cannot be strong any more.

(I found an lj post where I mentioned adding you to my friendslist the other day. I've been reading your lj for about eleven years, it turns out. I was impressed by your strength and eloquence back then, and I still am. He hasn't diminished your light in the slightest; it was just muted for a while.)
(Deleted comment)
24th-Jun-2013 02:11 pm (UTC)
There was a question you asked a while ago, and I wasn't able to answer then about how you seemed different, brighter, when you came to As You Like It; I'll give it a try now...

So part of it is just backfilling a narrative on impressions, linking them to something that orders them but also probably changes them, so I can't really speak highly for their accuracy. It could also be that I saw you at Arisia and Picon last before this time. Picon was really telling, though you were also end-of-con exhausted, but when we were in the game room, you ...faded. At the time, I just figured you were exhausted, but now, looking back (and knowing what I know, what with the power of the narrative and all), it seems more like you were eclipsed. I have much stronger impressions of Judah's presence than yours there, and that's kind of scary.

But, again, that could just be narrative.
24th-Jun-2013 02:22 pm (UTC)
Additional point of data: Picon was right after Jack died.
24th-Jun-2013 02:45 pm (UTC)
True.
24th-Jun-2013 02:51 pm (UTC)
I'm sorry if this question makes you uncomfortable, but you've used the terms gaslighting and gaslighty before. What do they MEAN?
24th-Jun-2013 03:14 pm (UTC)
In general, "That never happened. You must be crazy to think that happened. Your memories aren't valid because you make things up."

Gaslighting is a way of insulating people in your own reality ('your own' being the abuser's) by invalidating their perceptions and memories. Conversations that 'never happened' ("I didn't say that!"), events that suddenly change ("You must have seen someone else at the party. You're so paranoid!") et cetera. Trying to make someone doubt their sanity.
24th-Jun-2013 03:16 pm (UTC)
And I believe the term originated from this 1944 movie and its stage predecessor.
24th-Jun-2013 03:31 pm (UTC)
24th-Jun-2013 05:53 pm (UTC)
Thank you all very much.
24th-Jun-2013 09:36 pm (UTC)
Many good thoughts. I'm glad you have the support you need, and are doing what's right for you in spite of how hard it is.
24th-Jun-2013 09:37 pm (UTC)
I read the whole thing.
24th-Jun-2013 11:44 pm (UTC)
Read this. Hear this. Really freakin hate when a users are smart enough to hide themselves.

Of of curiousity - 9 years? I thought he had only been with you for about 3?

Also... I keep wondering, how is Adam holding up? I can only imagine what he's been going through these last few weeks. (My personal history with my evil ex - who mentally screwed with both me and our girlfriend in ways that left awful scars, left me dealing not only with my own scars, but the guilt of how could I not have seen/defended her? The latter I'm still only partially over, and it's 15 years later.)
25th-Jun-2013 12:26 am (UTC)
Do you trust his answer that she had high-risk HPV? Or is that just another way to mess with your head?

Even high-risk HPV causes slow-growing cancer. It doesn't matter how many partners you have, you still only need be tested every three years. If you have an irregular pap, then you get a culposcopy, biopsy, and tested every six months for a year or two. I think it's been played up as Super Scary to get folks to inoculate, which they should. Any sort of cancer sucks and if you can PREVENT it, or greatly reduce the chances of it happening, go for it. On the other hand, there has been a profound lack of education about what the risks actually are, and how that proceeds. Inherent in that is a sort of reverse slut-shaming: for people of our generation and older, at this point it really doesn't matter how many more partners we have. We've probably been exposed.

I don't want you to feel I'm telling you not to be angry about it. There is PLENTY to be angry about there and I've been there and, dude, anger. I guess I'm trying to make the end result less scary.

*stepping off soapbox*

Also, if you have need for auction items, I still have the two knitted pieces from the Shayara (sp!) blogathon.
25th-Jun-2013 02:16 am (UTC)
Yepyep - the thing about how YOU as the survivor get to deal with this any which way is best for you means just that - so if it means not reporting, not being public about, not being proactive, that's cool. And if it means doing those things, that's cool.

And also, it means you can fluctuate back and forth. So, like, even though you've got this whole crowd of people cheering you on and being proud of you for how you are currently handling it - you also totally 100% get to decide later on down the road to change your mind if THAT ends up being what feels right, too. I hope you know/believe that. I am guessing that being an activist in this area might come with a certain amount of unspoken pressure to do things in a certain way. I trust that you're doing YOU right now, but I just want to reinforce that if doing YOU ends up being different later, that's okay too. More than okay. Perfectly right and acceptable.

*more supportive thoughts and energies*
25th-Jun-2013 03:38 am (UTC)
Still reading, still witnessing, still holding you and yours in the light.
25th-Jun-2013 04:11 am (UTC)
Still reading.
25th-Jun-2013 08:26 pm (UTC) - Akhilandeshvari.

I'm a stranger, I know, but many moons ago (twelve or more years ago) we had people in common on here (My username used to be Wolvy) - every once in a while I come back over to see what's going on with you. All of these recent events reported are so heart-rending.

A few years ago I found this article and I still find comfort in it to this day - perhaps you might find comfort in it, too:

http://www.elephantjournal.com/2011/06/why-being-broken-in-a-pile-on-your-bedroom-floor-is-a-good-idea-julie-jc-peters/
27th-Jun-2013 02:17 pm (UTC) - Re: Akhilandeshvari.
I remember you. :)

And thank you. That was perfect.
27th-Jun-2013 07:14 pm (UTC) - Re: Akhilandeshvari.
<3
26th-Jun-2013 04:18 am (UTC)
Still reading.
28th-Jun-2013 10:21 pm (UTC)
3rd-Jul-2013 03:22 am (UTC)
More *hugs*
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