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Scheherazade in Blue Jeans
freelance alchemist
More Judah shit. 
16th-Jun-2013 12:28 pm
Hearth
Yes, still uncovering stuff about Judah.

Bringing together scattered thoughts from elsenet:

Premeditation:
The morning after Judah Sher raped me, he packed up his laptop, clothes, and insulin before he left the house. Yeah, he knew. I noticed that the entire stash of insulin was gone from the fridge that Friday afternoon, post assault-and-battery. 100% premeditated. He planned to do things that would preclude him returning to the house. (He wasn't in the kitchen the day of the assault & battery. Had to have taken the insulin the previous day.)

I've been trying to figure out why the escalation to assault and battery when he had to know that would be the end - he could have kept emotionally abusing me for god knows how long, but the minute it got physical, boom. What I've arrived at is that it was the police report of the rape that triggered it. Once he knew I'd reported, that he'd failed to play it off, that I'd realized what he'd done - he knew that the minute I said the words aloud to a cop, it was all over. I e-mailed him after I made the report. He came over the next morning, lured me to the smallest room in the house (because it didn't make sense for him to go there - he only had two things in that room, neither of which he ever used), and beat me up. He knew he'd lost my trust for good, and he knew I was going to end it.

So he decided to get a few punches in on the way out.

And then he was surprised when I called the cops. I think he thought he'd leave me in a puddle of fear and shame, triggered and alone. It's remarkable how well he copied a domestic violence scene I wrote in my novel-in-progress, actually. He studied. But I am not my novel's protagonist. So he did not get the desired result.


ANIMAL ABUSE
*blink* Oh yeah. Two weeks ago *wasn't* his first burst of violence.

What I never told most people: remember when our cat Victoria broke her leg a few years ago? It was because Judah threw her. He put her on his lap, she flexed her claws and hurt him, and he literally picked her up and threw her diagonally across the room. Her leg was shattered and required a metal frame and screws. She spent months in a crate. He paid for most of it because it was His Fault. But I remember that after, when I was shocked and upset and said "she's hurt!" and chased her down? His affect was flat. Unconcerned. "She's fine," he said. I ran upstairs to find her, and her leg was clearly broken - the way she'd landed when he threw her made that clear in itself. Her horrible cry... but it took a bit to even get him to help me fetch her, and once he saw her leg was broken, that's when his demeanor changed. Like a mask slipping on.

The Thursday before Tor died, Judah had locked her in his room overnight, theoretically accidentally. Boskone was that weekend. I was out all weekend for Boskone; Sunday night I noticed her lethargy and stuffiness. Treated her for asthma. He talked me out of taking her to the emergency vet. She was dead when we woke up. Sudden death after being locked in his room overnight, I've always suspected that she ate something in there.

I don't know if he neglected her symptoms on purpose. But I watched him throw her with great force across a room once. And not care after.


I know I said she fell. I know I never lie. My code is that I can lie only to protect others. I was protecting him. There have been a lot of omissions to protect him, but I believe this was the only outright lie.

The vet knew. And probably also knew that I was in a DV situation before I did. "She fell" sounds a lot like "I walked into a door" or "I fell down the stairs".

There are so many little things. Like he wouldn't let me go to dinner with mangosteen alone when we were in a rough patch, he insisted on accompanying us. Like changing his mind on driving me to ConBust and to an October writer event last-minute, leaving me breaking professional commitments. So many things.
Comments 
16th-Jun-2013 04:45 pm (UTC)
I read this. I am reading them all, and sending all the supportive energy I have to spare.

Expect a largish package later this week -- I sincerely hope they are able to deliver it without difficulty.
16th-Jun-2013 05:02 pm (UTC) - Still reading
Still with you.
16th-Jun-2013 10:10 pm (UTC) - Re: Still reading
And I.
16th-Jun-2013 05:02 pm (UTC)
I read the whole thing.
16th-Jun-2013 05:05 pm (UTC)
I have read this.
16th-Jun-2013 05:07 pm (UTC)
*leaves a pebble*
16th-Jun-2013 05:44 pm (UTC)
It's amazing the crap we put up with from people who claim to love us.

Stay strong.
17th-Jun-2013 02:12 am (UTC)
This.
23rd-Jun-2013 09:52 pm (UTC)
Also this.
16th-Jun-2013 05:46 pm (UTC)
*pebble*
16th-Jun-2013 06:11 pm (UTC)
Still reading.
16th-Jun-2013 06:31 pm (UTC)
Hugs and thinking of you so very much.
16th-Jun-2013 06:58 pm (UTC)
Thank you for posting these. I've been thinking about my own bad relationship, and how I doubted myself for a long time both in and out of the relationship. But no, there were patterns, and seeing your pattern descriptions helps me put together my own.

So thank you. I'll leave a pebble here for you.
16th-Jun-2013 07:14 pm (UTC)
I can think of a handful of other things which would have triggered lethargy/stuffiness in a cat left overnight, then probably neglected over a weekend, particularly if the cyst-or-not had never really gone all the way away. But I am also not a vet. You may want to talk to her vet.

16th-Jun-2013 07:24 pm (UTC)
Scary, scary, scary. Awful.

I'm sorry you went through that. I'm WAY, WAY and a little more WAY glad he's gone, and he can't hurt you anymore.
16th-Jun-2013 08:03 pm (UTC)
I read this whole thing. *hugs*
16th-Jun-2013 09:00 pm (UTC)
Oh Victoria :-( I care about the broken commitments, and of course about the abuse of you that you've already written about ... but Victoria :-( Poor lovie.
16th-Jun-2013 10:31 pm (UTC)
I have no words that do justice.
I'm sorry you've been going through this.
I'm sorry you're still going through it.
I hope it keeps getting better.
16th-Jun-2013 10:33 pm (UTC)
*pebble*
16th-Jun-2013 10:59 pm (UTC)
I've been reading all of these - I wish there was something I could do other than read and provide moral support.
16th-Jun-2013 11:16 pm (UTC)
I read this. I'm so sorry. :(
16th-Jun-2013 11:27 pm (UTC)
Still reading. So sorry.
16th-Jun-2013 11:39 pm (UTC)
I've been reading all of your entries about this, and I'm full of anger and sympathy. I wish you strength and safety.
16th-Jun-2013 11:59 pm (UTC)
I am glad you're safe, and he's no longer in your space.
17th-Jun-2013 12:48 am (UTC)
Still reading, still sending GoodThoughts.
17th-Jun-2013 12:51 am (UTC)
There's always the chance that he'd done some research and realized, if convicted, most states (and the federal government via SORNA) would require him to register as a sex offender the rest of his life.

He's finally messed with the wrong person and a heap load of karma will be biting him in the ass for a long, long time to come.
17th-Jun-2013 01:07 am (UTC)
I'm here. *sending you a hug!*

It's remarkable how well he copied a domestic violence scene I wrote in my novel-in-progress, actually. He studied. But I am not my novel's protagonist. So he did not get the desired result.

This is simply shocking. Again, I am so so glad he's out of your vicinity. *shudder*
17th-Jun-2013 01:30 am (UTC)
Thankful you are safe!
(((HUG)))
it kills me that I have been reading along and you have been going through all this.

Wishing you peace, strength and healing!
17th-Jun-2013 02:24 am (UTC)
I read the whole thing, and the previous posts.
17th-Jun-2013 03:38 am (UTC)
I can't get past the "poor kitties" brain cycle. I am glad you escaped.
17th-Jun-2013 03:38 am (UTC)
I am reading all of these.
17th-Jun-2013 04:48 am (UTC)
.
17th-Jun-2013 04:53 am (UTC)
I read this.

*pebble*

There are no words. I have walked a friend out of a horribly abusive relationship, but it was emotional abuse only. Know that we are here for you and that we love you.
17th-Jun-2013 05:55 am (UTC)
I read this. and several of the previous ones.
If there is anything that you need that we can give, message me here.
*safe virtual hug*
YIS,
WRI
17th-Jun-2013 06:08 am (UTC)
OMG. I have no words.
17th-Jun-2013 11:48 am (UTC)
Reading and following along with concern and hope.
17th-Jun-2013 02:13 pm (UTC)
Oh, the poor cat.

I am so glad that you have surprised him with your strength.
(Deleted comment)
17th-Jun-2013 03:07 pm (UTC)
[hugs if you want 'em] I'm sorry that he did that; that's inexcusable. Have you changed your policy on lying to protect people as a result of having had someone turn out to be unworthy of your protection? That's got to be so hard to deal with.
17th-Jun-2013 05:59 pm (UTC)
I read this entire thing, and I am still here, and I am so sorry.
17th-Jun-2013 06:49 pm (UTC)
Have read these. Still reading. Still keeping you and yours in my thoughts and prayers..

:: gentle virtual hugs ::
17th-Jun-2013 08:25 pm (UTC)
Still here. Still reading.
(Deleted comment)
(Deleted comment)
19th-Jun-2013 05:11 am (UTC)
Don't beat yourself up for not seeing this ahead of time. No person, and no relationship is perfect. The best of us have moments when we realize we hurt someone by accident or cluelessness. And we want to believe, when someone we loves does something bad to us, that it was just that, an accident or cluelessness. We want to believe that if we explain that their behavior hurts us, they will understand, apologize, and stop hurting us.

It's not until it escalates, or until they don't change, that we know that even if it's not premeditated cruelty, it is intolerable.

I remember the bewildered and hurt look on my then-husand's face when I told him it no longer mattered whether he meant to keep hurting me and his apology couldn't make things better. I reminded him I had told him if he kept hurting me we were done and he had proved unable or unwilling to stop the behavior that was hurting me. We were done.

Looking back at his behavior, I saw and still see a lot of things differently in retrospect than I had seen them while living them. I wished--and still wish--I had understood what was going on more clearly much sooner. I'd have saved myself a lot of pain.

But you know, if my ex _had_ been able and willing to change, that ability to overlook faults and forgive pain would have been essential to a chance at a happy future.

There is value in examining the patterns, in knowing what to watch for next time, and in letting others learn from them too. One of the things that was hardest for me is so many of the things he did that were hurtful were so small, even once I saw the patterns, if I talked about them, other people would make excuses for him, which didn't help at all. It made me doubt myself and feel even more isolated.

I'm so sorry this happened to you and yours. But thank you for talking about it.
19th-Jun-2013 01:51 pm (UTC)
I missed this one before, but I came back and found it.
19th-Jun-2013 09:56 pm (UTC)
I read this whole thing.
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