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Scheherazade in Blue Jeans
freelance alchemist
Okay so here is the beginning of the story. Judah and I have been… 
31st-May-2013 03:46 pm
Hearth
Okay so here is the beginning of the story.

Judah and I have been dating for two and a half years. We've been living together for a year and three months. (We can't afford the rent here without him. This is a thing on the List to deal with.)

Last year, he became depressed over financial/work stuff, and then the depression continued when he was sick and didn't have the diabetes diagnosis yet. During that time, everything was totally okay with us.

About a month ago, that changed. The following things cascaded:

May 13: Judah cheated on me - engaged in sexual activity below the waist with someone before she'd gotten STI tests run. (Her tests were 5 years old.) He initially lied about the extent of the cheating. This was amazingly painful. I spent the following week trying to counsel him through this, especially because the person he cheated with decided to be childish and irresponsible and hurt him. I worked hard on this, because I was going on a weeklong trip 5/21-5/28 and needed us to be stable before I left. We worked out a very specific agreement of what we wanted and the rules we were operating under.

I left on my trip 5/21. On 5/22, Judah violated the agreement by making out with a stranger. I was upset about this, but tried to deal with it quietly - until it turned out that he then spent the entire evening with the stranger Saturday 5/26 whilst texting me that he was with two other people, deliberately not mentioning his makeout buddy.

This was the point at which I asked him about the HPV test results of the person he'd full-on cheated with, to the degree that if she did have HPV, he could have it and pass it to me. He claimed that she had not gotten her results back. I expressed that this was improbable, given that she was tested on 5/17. He insisted. He also slipped up at this time and admitted that the two of them had been texting all week, despite previously telling me that he'd had no contact with her.

I was squeamish about him going to a deliberately-hedonistic party on 5/26, given all this. He swore I could trust him. He engaged in sexual activity with multiple people at the party. He then texted me to say he was sad that he couldn't make out with people. This, Wisconners, is when I had to walk out of Genderfloomp. I talked to him and gave him permission to make out with a particular person.

Because at that point I didn't know that he'd already been sexual with people and he'd lied about those test results. The woman I gave him permission to make out with? She knew. So that's shitty.

On Monday 5/27, he told me all about the sex stuff he hadn't told me about previously. And when I was upset, he dropped the bomb that he had those HPV results, and that the person he cheated on me with did in fact have high-risk, cancer-causing HPV.

So Monday was a horrible night. Not just because of that. But because my Judah had become a stranger, a monster. He spat out vicious sadistic nastiness. He shot to wound, he shot to maim. He said and did things I hadn't thought he was capable of.

And - desperate, horrified, confused - I was still trying to make it work. Because this wasn't him. I didn't understand. I still don't understand. I can blame the new friends he'd spent the week with for part of it maybe? I don't know. I genuinely don't know.

I flew home Tuesday still hoping that this could work. We talked. Talked past each other, mostly - when Judah is wound up, he is incapable of listening. I thought if we just kept trying, he'd hear me. He'd listen.

And on Wednesday afternoon, I thought he had. We had what I thought was a breakthrough. We cried, we held each other. He promised to go to therapy.

And then Wednesday evening, his mood turned. He became Judah the Sadist again, this monster wearing my love's face. He attacked viciously. For hours.

And eventually we went to bed, when I thought we were as stable as we were going to be.

This is where it could get triggery.

For the past six years, I have taken Lunesta to sleep every night. I literally cannot sleep without it, and stress and sleep dep are my two big seizure triggers. So I take the maximum legal dose of a strong sedative.

When I am on Lunesta, I am so unconscious that it takes half an hour to even partially revive me. It is worse than being blackout drunk. I am 100% incapacitated. Everyone I sleep in the same bed with knows that. Everyone.

I slowly gradually Lunesta-woke to find Judah's fingers inside me.

This continued for a bit, because I was too incapacitated to react. I was aware, but I couldn't make my body respond or my voice work. He may tell you I wanted it because my unconscious body responded in an encouraging way. Key phrase there: My unconscious body.

I communicated a no. He withdrew. I conked back to sleep because Lunesta.

He was in a Mood the next morning. I decided to wait to address it til he got home. But then I took a nap, and had a nightmare about his friend who's been encouraging him to cheat and lie doing the exact same thing to me. So I knew my brain needed to deal with this, and I Gchatted him.

His response was along the lines of "sorry you feel that way".

We talked about other things. He later told me that everything following that statement was a lie, but at the time, I believed that he was negotiating with me in good faith.

And then he surprise did not come home. He'd fled to a mutual friend's and gotten drunk, and he became Judah the Sadist on the phone and in chat. I thought he was going to come home and talk about what must surely have been a horrible misunderstanding.

But he excorciated me. Vicious. Cruel. The nightmare wearing my lover's face.

And I hadn't been talking about any of what he'd been doing, and the trauma I'd been going through - because I didn't want to make him seem like a monster. I was protecting him. This whole time. I was scared and confused and fucked over and fucked up and protecting him.

But he hung up on me, and wouldn't respond, and I was triggered and traumatized and terrified.

So I called michaeldthomas, who is my Person and also has crisis-line experience. And he reminded me that if anyone told me what I was telling him, I'd be saying "Yes, that's rape. That was not a misunderstanding. It was rape, and you know your options."

And I would. But augh, people. He broke me. Judah. Broke. Me. Shattered. I was curled up on the kitchen floor weeping and desperate and begging for there to be some way Judah was not doing these things to me on purpose.

But we can't find a way. We can't.

I called and made a police report.

And then told him via e-mail that I'd done so.

And I actually had to keep myself from typing "I'm sorry."

Actually had to do that.

Is how much I love him and how much he broke me.

So just so you know what it takes to make me give up on you if I love you? Apparently rape is not enough. I don't know what this says about me and I can't really think about it right now.

Judah came over today, ostensibly to talk and work on things but really to grab stuff and rub. When he cold-voice told me this, I was upset; I followed him downstairs asking him why and what happened. I followed him into the storage room, where he then decided he didn't like me being between him and the door.

And so he grabbed my left arm and threw me against the wall.

I got up - he was looming, yelling, too close, and I pushed at his chest with my open hands, and he did it again. He twisted my wrist. He stomped on my foot. I don't know what else. It's a blur. I know those because those were the parts there were reddened or had abrasions. When he was done, he went upstairs.

I followed, grabbed the phone, and called the police.

They arrived almost instantly and interviewed us both, and I got to talk to the Sexual Assault Unit sergeant. I decided to file for a restraining order. So did Judah. Just because? I don't know. We went to the courthouse. There was a long interview process with multiple people. They finally found us a judge, and we told our stores. I told the truth. He claimed a bunch of physically impossible stuff.

The judge believed me. He granted me a three-month restraining order against Judah. Because I am genuinely afraid. This monster wearing his face is not the person I know. I don't know what happened, and I cannot predict his actions, and I am afraid.

He did not grant Judah a restraining order against me. He deemed the potential threat of violence from me to Judah highly unlikely.

So this is where we are. Judah will come to the house accompanied by police at a time that's convenient for me to retrieve the rest of his belongings. He said this morning, before he hit me, that he would keep paying rent; I'm not assuming that he will, and we can't afford this house on our own, so I don't know what we're going to do. I've called Case Management at BARCC and will be working with them to figure out my options. Locks need to be changed. Rent needs to be covered. Judah owes us several thousand dollars for his share of utilities and groceries for the past ~8 months; I'm assuming a civil suit will be what I'll have to do to get that. I'm losing my mobility here, too. I'm losing a lot. I'm losing almost everything.

I didn't want any of this. I just want my partner back. I don't understand anything. I don't know what happened. I don't understand. That's what I keep saying, "I don't understand." And "I'm so sorry."

Everyone we know says the same thing - this isn't Judah. Something is very wrong. Very horribly wrong. And the hell is I want to help. Yes. Still. But I can't. I can't take any more.

This is where we are.

I appreciate all of the offers of help and crashspace and phone calls. I can't respond to them all individually at this time, but I'm reading them all, and I thank you.

What I need:
* To be in my house and start making it feel safe again.
* Social interaction when I'm ready - the events of recent months had me hermitting hard because I was scared and uncertain. Small-group social to start with.
* I don't do telephones if I can possibly avoid it. I do Gchat and Twitter and e-mail, but I'm pretty overwhelmed right now and I won't respond quickly and may not have the spoons to respond at that time.

Um, I don't know what else. I am dazed. I have emilytheslayer with me now. Tonight is Elayna's prom. Emily's doing her nails. Tomorrow I will go to a party. I don't know what then.

But hey. I can finally blog about my life again.
Comments 
31st-May-2013 07:58 pm (UTC)
I hope you can get the locks changed pronto! People can become horrid animals, hitting below the gut with vulnerabilities you share with them, you entrust them...this can be due to sudden changes in hormones or neurochemistry or something, but it's his problem to solve and I hope he stays the heck away from you. I'm sorry you had your trust - mentally, emotionally and physically - so badly betrayed by someone who made you happy. I hope you can build safety in your house.

Edited at 2013-05-31 09:19 pm (UTC)
31st-May-2013 08:02 pm (UTC)
ALL the HUGS.
31st-May-2013 08:03 pm (UTC) - Oh Sweetie...
This gave me flashbacks to when Aries started to fall apart after being on narcotics for a year for pain.

It sounds like he needs some kind of serious mental health help and it sucks because its obvious that he needs help but that DOES NOT excuse any of the behavior. And especially does not mean that you need to get him that help.

*hugs* I hope you will keep talking about it. Maybe you need to put together a filter to talk about it?

Take care of you.
31st-May-2013 08:17 pm (UTC) - Re: Oh Sweetie...
This gave me flashbacks to when Aries started to fall apart after being on narcotics for a year for pain.

Yes. Flipped switch. Something is really wrong.

Thank you.
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31st-May-2013 08:10 pm (UTC)
I read the whole thing. Thinking of you and sending you strength.
31st-May-2013 08:16 pm (UTC)
I read this whole thing. I'm totally horrified for you, and I'm so sorry you were violated and treated so horrifically. I'm glad you called the police, and that you got a restraining order. You are so brave and so strong.
31st-May-2013 08:20 pm (UTC)
:(

Not making excuses for him (as there are none) but if someone reads this and are still planning to stay in touch with him (I have never been), they might try to talk him into getting a full lab workup done. When I was first dealing with my diabetes the brain chemistry went really wonky for me and I had terrible mood swings with fury, anger, and just plain misery thrown in such that I worried I was developing bi-polar disorder for a few months there till it got evened out and my sugars evened out. His sugars have been so high he was probably just sluggish all the time, but when you start to yo-yo during the day it can get intense.

Otherwise, I am here if you need anything.
31st-May-2013 08:27 pm (UTC)
I have floated that as a possibility; it was shot down, but, y'know. His brother reads me on LJ and may read this comment. The restraining order means I should not directly pass on messages...
31st-May-2013 08:22 pm (UTC)
That's terrible! I'm sorry you've had to deal with this.

I can understand wanting to help. Sometimes you just can't help though. This is one of those times. It is more important for you to be safe.
31st-May-2013 08:23 pm (UTC)
You are on my gchat, and you have my gmail (lyssaheartsong. Twitter is the same.). Please feel free to use it if you want/need to. Not required, though, just offered.
I am shocked and so sorry. I think you are right and that there is something chemical at work here, and he needs to seek help for it.
You are being so fucking brave, woman. You are loved.
You are not alone.
31st-May-2013 08:39 pm (UTC)
It's so hard to not be able to fix someone you love, to not be able to fix it so hard that trying to fix it will hurt you more. I am glad that you can talk about it now at least.

As far as HPV... right now, that's got to feel like a time bomb. But you know people who have dealt with it, and it's something you can talk with us about if you want to or need to.
31st-May-2013 08:40 pm (UTC)
Thankfully, I haven't been exposed that I know of; we haven't had sex since that night.
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31st-May-2013 08:43 pm (UTC)
I read this too.

Thank you for letting us know what's been going on. I'm glad the proceedings at the courthouse went in your favor, and that BARCC is there to help you too. You are in my thoughts.

(I sound dispassionate but it's just the facade. Please include all the emotion that voices convey.)
31st-May-2013 08:45 pm (UTC)
First - there is no excuse for what he did. None. Ever. Period.

I did want to say that it occurred to me someone (someone not you, I'm sure he has friends/family?) might want to check into the meds and such he's on now, and see if any of them have side effects affecting the brain, or if it can exacerbate mental illness or depression.

Again - the above, if it is part of the cause - in no way ever, ever ever excuses what he did. Ever. I offer it up only in that it might help explain the abrupt madness.

I agree with you that something is really wrong.

(Ah - I see someone above me had the same thought)

Edited at 2013-05-31 08:47 pm (UTC)
1st-Jun-2013 01:26 pm (UTC)
A lot of people are having this thought, and I agree with it!

I also appreciate that everyone having this thought acknowledges that it's not an excuse and doesn't erase what he did.
31st-May-2013 09:03 pm (UTC)
I read the whole thing. And I'm in shock--how could the same person who made you so happy do all those things? I can understand why you kept trying to fix things until he showed you it was impossible. Wow.

If you want knitting company sometime, I can offer that.

Edited at 2013-05-31 09:03 pm (UTC)
31st-May-2013 09:06 pm (UTC)
I read the whole thing.

It's probably at least partly stories like this that started many medieval tales of demonic possession, this kind of horrible and sudden change. I'm so sorry for the betrayal and pain and grief and loss and sheer bafflement.

You have so many people closer to you than I am, but if there comes a time that there's something I can do, please do let me know.
31st-May-2013 09:08 pm (UTC)
I too read this post.

Again, my sympathies, and also my condolences on losing someone you loved (and indeed, may love still). I've been through that. In some ways it's even worse than a death, because with death they're just gone, but with this... it's like they're both gone, but still there, and horribly altered.
1st-Jun-2013 01:27 pm (UTC)
There is a monster in this town wearing my beloved's face.
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31st-May-2013 09:08 pm (UTC)
I don't know you personally, but I am very sorry about your entire situation. It sounds incredibly stressful, besides triggering. The whole money thing, etc.
31st-May-2013 09:21 pm (UTC)
You will survive this. You are surrounded by love and you will survive.

And if there is something wrong with him that can be fixed, when it's fixed, he can try to make amends.

But you cannot help him fix it. And I know exactly how it feels to love someone SO MUCH and not be able to fix it.

You know how long I've been clean - I almost used last week because I did NOT. WANT. TO. FEEL.

I didn't - but my situation isn't resolved yet. Forunately, I am surrounded by love and people telling me that I will survive.
31st-May-2013 09:24 pm (UTC)
I don't know you, but I wish you strength and a positive resolution to whatever the situation may be.
31st-May-2013 09:26 pm (UTC)
I read this. I'm so sorry, I wish that things had turned out differently, that he had acted like himself and not some sadistic stranger.

You're in my thoughts, if need anything from me, let me know.
31st-May-2013 09:26 pm (UTC)
Please don't beat yourself up over not giving up on him sooner--this is someone you love, and no one ever wants to believe that someone they love could go so wrong so fast, or to give up on them if there's a way to make things better. Also, it's not just you who didn't see him as being capable of this kind of behavior--yes, you saw him every day and knew him in ways the rest of us don't, but the universal reaction to this from people who know both of you has been "that's NOT the person I knew--WTF happened?!?" You might think you missed the warning signs because you were so close to him, but if what I've seen here & on FB is any indication, no one else--and often people who aren't in the middle of a situation have the advantage of enough distance & perspective to see things for what they are--had any inkling that he could flip like this either.

(I second/third/whatever everyone who's suggested that people still close to him drag him kicking & screaming to see a good doctor and have a battery of blood work, etc. done; if there's a physical problem, it needs to be taken care of, for his sake at the very least.)

*hugs* to you if you feel up to them, and *hugs* to Elayna for her prom night--I hope she has a wonderful time, in spite of everything that's going on. (And, again, if there's anything concrete I can do to help, don't hesitate to let me know--one small advantage of me still looking for work is that I do have the time.)
1st-Jun-2013 01:28 pm (UTC)
You might think you missed the warning signs because you were so close to him, but if what I've seen here & on FB is any indication, no one else--and often people who aren't in the middle of a situation have the advantage of enough distance & perspective to see things for what they are--had any inkling that he could flip like this either.

And nobody really could have, because I was protecting him so hard and not talking about any of this...

She had a great prom!
31st-May-2013 09:29 pm (UTC)
I am so sorry this has happened. If there's anything an almost-stranger can do to help, let me know. I'm always happy for an excuse to go to Stone Hearth Pizza and I can treat you to dinner and we can talk about nothing but knitting and young adult fantasy novels.

I am glad you are surrounding yourself with your people, and I hope that you can continue to take whatever steps you need to take to be safe.
31st-May-2013 09:30 pm (UTC)
Wishing you love and strength right now. This is an awful, horrible thing, and you have so many that care for you here to help hold you up through it.
31st-May-2013 09:37 pm (UTC)
I am sad that you've been going through these things. I want to let you know that I think you are doing the right thing for yourself. I hope that things only get better from here and that if they don't, you won't feel the need to look for the blame within yourself, because it is not there.

*offers you all the hugs you might want*
31st-May-2013 09:37 pm (UTC)
"So just so you know what it takes to make me give up on you if I love you? Apparently rape is not enough. I don't know what this says about me and I can't really think about it right now."

This is very, very common, not just with rape. I hear you.

As everyone else is saying, even if there are reasons that make him not _really_ culpable, it doesn't matter. You're more important, and can't wait to take the blows. So... GOOD FOR YOU. Well done. High Fives, and <3.
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