Here is a small update on my body, inspired by me crying angrily in the bathroom a little. Two things.
1. Today's attempt at painting was stopped by a set of myoclonic jerks. It's okay, we have white paint to cover up where I got the blue paint, but still, frustrating, and it means no more ladders for me today and painting is a bad idea for the rest of the day anyway. So I was poking around online about simple partial seizures, which is what the jerks are, and guess what else is simple partial seizures? The dizziness and vertigo I'd been assuming was due to my body changing the way it processes my anti-seizure meds. And the sudden severe nausea I'd been having a few months ago. Classic example of me looking for what's wrong in all the wrong places; it was the epilepsy all along, probably.
Which means that my seizure control is probably not nearly as good as I thought it was. And, since I haven't had much sleep-dep recently, this is happening independent of usual triggers.
I just get very frustrated. Part of setting up a new house is setting things up for worst-case scenarios - if the autoimmune stuff rages out of control and I can't do stairs, I need commonly-used items on every floor. I need the pharmacy to take the no-childproof-caps directive seriously. I need things accessible; I need to plan for failure while hoping for success. Which means thinking about failure a lot.
But I do not want to assume failure. And I fight for success. Hence trying again to paint the bathroom. Hence struggling with the can opener for over a minute with Judah standing by sneaking glances over at me.
What's hard is that I've been stable for a bit and I feel like I'm deteriorating a bit, and even if it's only a little bit, that is scary.
2. I've been having allergic reactions to raw tomatoes for a while. Make my whole mouth itch, ugh. Eggplants, too. But I was fine with cooked tomatoes, which isn't uncommon.
Until last week.
A dish that was nothing but chicken and pasta sauce had me feeling like my whole face was on fire, complete with mild swelling of my eyes, et cetera. And a few days later, a beef stew with tomatoes made my face very itchy (not as much with the teary swelly eyes). (Also I had a reaction last night to something without tomatoes, but it was a different reaction, and I think it was the lactic acid starter culture, which I think is what sets me off in buttermilk? I'm not allergic to butter or milk, but I am allergic to commercial buttermilk.)
So. Possible tomato allergy. That sucks enough on its own (no tikka masala?), but add to that the fact that I also can't have gluten, soy, shellfish, and any number of random less-common things (buttermilk, horseradish, probably citrus, et cetera). Tomatoes are in a lot of things. If this is for reals, it is a pretty big dietary restriction.
And if I have a progressively-creeping nightshade allergy... I don't even want to think about cutting potatoes from my diet. I AM A POTATO-DEPENDENT ORGANISM.
So yeah. This is where I am this week - just feeling very trapped and angry about my body. I will find a way to deal, because I have to. I am just acknowledging that I have an anger right now.