I am still having massive resistance to my writing, because the way this novel works is that I am digging up Deep Personal Painful Shit whether I intend to or not. And I took leave from BARCC to do this damn thing and I gotta. I can breathe without coughing now. Time to stop slacking.
But the thing that's got to be written now, it is a personal big bad, and I do not want to feel the way writing it is going to make me feel.
I have realized that what I need is to stop being so damn mean to myself about the resistance to writing. My hindbrain has reasons
. For one, and I realize that this probably makes no sense to most people: When I'm writing Cicatrix
in particular, I go into sort of a fugue state. This reminds my body and hindbrain of having seizures. My brain is perfectly aware that seizures are the thing what will probably kill me. So every time I sit down to work on this thing my brain is like JESUS CHRIST IT'S A LION GET IN THE CAR.
I'm aware that this is ludicrous! Unfortunately, my awareness does not fix it!
So I freak out and don't write and then I yell at myself for not having written, and then I get upset because someone is being mean to me
, but I'm the someone, so "well, just don't hang out with them anymore" is not the solution. Plus, in writing this, I'm excavating pieces of my kid-self, and my kid-self kinda went through a lot of shit and needs to not be yelled at. So I'm looking at ways to reward my kid-self, and all I'm comin' up with is puppies. The kid-self has this fixation on puppy ears. But really, have you felt puppy ears?
I can't have a puppy because my husband
loves me insufficiently
is allergic. So I must come up with something else.
So yes. I need to find a way to apply self-discipline that is productive and not mean, because I need to get this novel the hell done. The only way it's getting done is if I manage to sit down and self-eviscerate every day.
I am so awesome to be around when I get like this, y'all.
In conclusion, I need to work on this thing now that's gonna mess me up for the rest of the day, hooray for me. Hi. Bye.