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Scheherazade in Blue Jeans
freelance alchemist
Of chaos, control, and color 
26th-Apr-2012 06:13 pm
Figuring shit out
I have control issues. I know. This comes as a terrible shock to all of you.

And, of course, the gradual accumulating trauma over the past year and resultant need to step away from something that defines me = loss of control. Which provokes the grabbing-at-control response.

As I said last night, "usually my control issues manifest as disordered eating. I feel like forcing them to manifest as a need to get the old loveseat out of the way tonight is pretty reasonable, considering."

So yes. Basically the control issues are coming out as a need to control my environment, which here means that I want to be done setting up my house right freakin' now. The problem is that I've done everything I can without the guys, as everything else involves lifting and moving heavy things, building things I'm not equipped to build, et cetera. The current thing that's making me twitch is the painting - we got the living room done, yay! It looks amazing! But the foyer is in a state of disarray and I am argh about that. Until this morning, it was a pile of dropcloths and a ladder; I fixed that, but I still need to screw the switchplate covers back on and hang the art, and I absolutely hate doing that when I have to turn around and take it all apart again Sunday morning. I do not like my home being in chaos for a week, and I like cleaning up and then immediately re-disassembling everything even less. So much augh.

But.

We have our verdant living room. And as of today, we have our purple velvet couch. And I know that some people are like "green and purple, what?", and my dad was one of those people, but he just called and said, "I had doubts that that was going to work, but it looks like something from Better Homes and Gardens." And it does.

I'm just getting used to really furnishing my home, decorating my space, creating a home that looks on-purpose, instead of a random accretion of stuff. And I have never ever had color. The prior couch, which was my first couch ever and had moved through three states with me, was mushroom-grey; it was really comfy (so's this one), but colorwise it was meh. And I've never had color on the walls, not even as a kid. So many shades of off-white. It was amazing to dare to roll on that green. And I insisted upon a purple velvet couch. Because I want color, I crave color, I want my space to be mine. I do not want anonymous boxes. I want people to walk in here and think "actually, yes, this is what I always imagined 'song's place would look like."

Working on it. Super-slowly, and that glacial pace is very, very difficult for me, in ways the guys don't really understand. But we'll get there.
Comments 
26th-Apr-2012 10:20 pm (UTC)
Subject: Colors

(Yes, I resent them taking away my ability to have a subject line. Yes, I have been conditioned by email since 1994.)

First, green and purple are color-wheel buddies! Classically a good combination. Second, I can imagine many different hues of green wall and purple couch that look amazing. Third, of course, I would love to see a picture of the room with said couch and wall!

*hug* Good luck with the control issue. I still await the house of mine to paint, and owning my own brand-new couch instead of a hand-me-down.
26th-Apr-2012 10:32 pm (UTC)
I adore purple and green together and have for years. I have a green leather sofa and all sorts of green and purple accessory stuff. I have a green (moss) and purple (eggplant) comforter that I made for my bed. I also made a gorgeous green velvet and purple silk gothic-period costume based on a piece of green and purple costume jewelry I once received for Christmas.

Color heals; colors that appeal to your particular senses heal even more.
26th-Apr-2012 11:02 pm (UTC)
I believe that green and purple were the colours chosen by the Suffragettes.

I hear you on the chaos in the house. I just spent several weekends working hard on clearing out the clutter in my place and was seeing great progress.

And now my living room is a junkpile with a passage through it, there are boxes all over the kitchen, the dining room table is piled with books.

Aaaaaaargh!!!

But the 2 small front rooms are close to being painted and that is good.

The bad side of it is, they look so much better -- even unfinished -- that I'm going to want to do the rest of the house RIGHT NOW!!! And that's not going to happen.
(Deleted comment)
27th-Apr-2012 12:10 am (UTC)
1) Patience is a virtue, even if you and I don't always possess it.

2) I find making a tallied list of ups and downs helps, personally.
27th-Apr-2012 12:30 am (UTC)
When starting to move into my new house, the one I bought with MY name on the title and my name only, I told someone to put something in the purple bedroom. He was gone a few moments, and came back to say, "um, which room is purple? Because I don't see a purple room." I looked, and sure enough, the master bedroom was not purple, it was tan. But I kept thinking of it as dark purple. Clearly, painting had to happen and it did.

I know it feels like a loss of control to you, leaving BARCC. But to me it feels like and incredible act of control and power, to recognize what is hurting you (even when it is something you really identify with and love) and step away.
27th-Apr-2012 01:18 am (UTC)
Green and purple you say?

Laissez les bon temps rouler!
27th-Apr-2012 01:32 am (UTC)
More than anything, the aspect of my apartment that makes it MINE is the stuff on the walls, not least of which is the Holy Shit Blue wall, the yellow walls, the lavender wall. So yeah, I get that.
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