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Scheherazade in Blue Jeans
freelance alchemist
More answers. 
10th-Mar-2011 03:14 pm
Hearth
question about my contract with Drollerie - answer is better suited to e-mail. I must remember to e-mail you!

question about whether I would date/have sex with a particular person; question not reproduced directly because of lots of identifying data

There are two answers to this one. One is an always thing, one is a "right now and for the foreseeable future" thing. I will give you both of them!

1. The always answer: I find it completely impossible to gauge romantic or sexual interest on the internets. Do I develop crushes? Oh sure. Does that translate into real-life attraction? Occasionally and very unpredictably. Being as I haven't met you in person, I really truly have no ways of guessing whether we'd have that zing, so this question isn't answerable. But at least I can tell you why it's unanswerable!

2. The "right now and for the foreseeable future" answer: Nope. And that actually goes for everyone. The thing is - sindrian and I are this incredible huge thing. This level of intensity in a relationship is vanishingly rare. And a) I don't know how far it goes and don't want anything to distract me from finding out and b) have really honestly had zero interest in anyone else, including people I've previously had a great deal of interest in. I've had recent offers that I'd've jumped at at any other time, but my reaction lately has been "Meh - I'm sure $PERSON is great, but s/he's not sindrian." I am too perfectly content with this intense new bond to look elsewhere just now. I'll probably say when/if that changes, but for right now, you can take it as read that I'm not going to be starting anything new - and it is really truly not you, it's me.

What is your picture of the ideal vacation?

My aunt and uncle in Florida own a house on an island. It is so completely separate from everything. I want to go there for a month and write. Yes, I know it's a working vacation. I don't think I've ever had a real vacation, and don't know what I would do with myself on one. (But maybe one day I'll talk Adam into going to Greece with me.)

What advice would you give someone new to poly?

Google Calendar. Okay, when you're done laughing: I AM FOR SERIOUS. Scheduling gets difficult. Share calendars among partners.

The other thing is communication. More than you're used to. More than that. Yep, keep communicating. Any big change in a relationship (I'm assuming you're already in one) is going to be a huge adjustment, and the people in that relationship might not even realize there are things that are bugging them unless asked. Ask. Discuss. Make sure everyone is comfortable with everything going on in the relationships. If anyone's not, hit the pause button and figure it out. Be clear about what you want, what you don't want, what you need, what you can't have. Full honesty, including with yourself.

You always recognize me and greet me jovially when we run into each other at cons or around Boston. I don't actually know you that well at all. From what I do know, you seem incredibly awesome, and I certainly don't mind the attention. My question is: are you just being polite, or do you actually enjoy my presence?

I am friendly! Also I recognize everyone - it's an artifact of having a faceblind husband and a boyfriend with what he calls "name-server failure". I have to keep track of everyone myself. :) (Also see my previous post wrt my multiple-track mind; I have over 150 named characters I keep track of in Shayara alone, so keeping track of real-life people is not hard.) Also I like people. People are made of stories.

The rest of your comment (not reprinted here) reads like possibly you are trying to determine if there is capital-I Interest? If so, see above re: me not having Interest for anyone I'm not currently dating or married to just now, but people I like like you, and thus I wouldn't be averse to hanging out and talking to you more!
Comments 
10th-Mar-2011 08:10 pm (UTC)
I actually think communication trumps Calendar by an order of magnitude or more.

Also, learn a simple thing - autonomy does not mean "no one else is allowed agency".
10th-Mar-2011 08:12 pm (UTC)
I actually think communication trumps Calendar by an order of magnitude or more.

Yeah. But no one thinks I'm kidding when I say "communication"!
10th-Mar-2011 08:57 pm (UTC)
Fair point. :_
10th-Mar-2011 08:57 pm (UTC)
That was supposed to be a smiley.
11th-Mar-2011 12:46 am (UTC)
And Google Calendar is easier to implement. Communication is work, google calendar is not.
10th-Mar-2011 08:20 pm (UTC)
"Meh - I'm sure $PERSON is great, but s/he's not sindrian."


You described the mental notation that The Boy was doing while we were friends but not dating. Apparently I was the scale by which all women were to be judged.

I'm so glad he never moved to Boston.
10th-Mar-2011 08:58 pm (UTC)
I did do that with an unrequited crush for about a year or two.

Not healthy in my case.
10th-Mar-2011 09:08 pm (UTC)
In my experience (YMMV) unrequited crushes are never healthy. Fun, maybe, but not healthy.
10th-Mar-2011 09:34 pm (UTC)
Agreed.
And some of the ones that start unrequited, seem like they'll stay that way, then requite?
Not healthy either.
10th-Mar-2011 09:57 pm (UTC)
True.
10th-Mar-2011 10:23 pm (UTC)
For better or worse, I'm referring to my fiance.
10th-Mar-2011 09:15 pm (UTC)
How do you manage to keep track of so many names and faces?
11th-Mar-2011 12:48 am (UTC)
"Be clear about what you want, what you don't want, what you need, what you can't have."

Be ready to find out that you don't know what you need or want, and that the thing you thought you knew about that stuff yesterday may turn out to be wrong today. And by the way, it sucks when you are the last one to find out you are wrong about that stuff.
11th-Mar-2011 03:01 am (UTC)
I feel so so so much the same way about Dan that you do about
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I feel so so so much the same way about Dan that you do about <lj-user="sindrian">. *smile* Yay us.
11th-Mar-2011 03:10 am (UTC)
We win!
(Deleted comment)
11th-Mar-2011 03:55 pm (UTC)
"My aunt and uncle in Florida own a house on an island. It is so completely separate from everything."

I want a cabin/cottage on an island with a dock for our boat and internet access. While I like the proximity to large cities like Boston, I also am a nature girl at heart.
11th-Mar-2011 05:12 pm (UTC)
*snicker* google calendar. I laugh because it's true. (except that somehow in my very geeky triad, we have utterly managed to not use it... no, I don't get it either. Maybe 3 is easier to schedule than moresomes?)

I also laugh because of Cunning Minx's top 3 books for someone new to poly, one of them is David Allen's Getting Things Done, a personal productivity book. I think, because of the emphasis on keeping track of everything and making priorities.

Also, if I may be so bold, I have a new-to-poly-and-dating-sites post on my LJ a ways back that I think has a tidbit of *necessary* advice:
http://muppetk.livejournal.com/228984.html
11th-Mar-2011 05:17 pm (UTC)
Also, I plan to steal your phrase of "capital-I Interest." That is so much more pithy and coherent than "do you Like me like me or like me like me." And that's why you're the writer and I'm the twitter crackmonkey.
11th-Mar-2011 05:18 pm (UTC)
Oh, I usually say "like me like me!"
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