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Scheherazade in Blue Jeans
freelance alchemist
*throttling down the frustration* 
2nd-Apr-2010 07:10 pm
Fizzgig! - velvetsteel
I realize that I have a lot of little things piled up that I need to get done. Some of these things include things that I myself cannot do and am waiting on other people for. Some of these things include small writing projects that have been sitting by the wayside. Actually, a lot of these have something to do with the writing.

Which is where this links into my current frustration, which is:

People telling me they won't contribute to BARCC's Walk for Change unless I do all of these scattered little projects.

Now, I think that this is getting triggered by my posting "Fortune" incrementally as incentive to donate, because I have had one person refer to this as a crowdfunding project, when it is anything but - I'm not asking for donations to fund the story. The story's written. It's been published. You can buy it in a book already. I'm just using it as incentive to donate to a charity, making this way more like Blogathon than like Wind Tunnel Dreams or, well, anything else I do. Frankly, I don't have a lot of stuff to give you as incentive, and I thought you might like this; I am trying to do all I can.

Now. Why have small writing projects been sitting by the wayside?

*rubs temples* *looks at you* Are you kidding?

December 9, I started the first job I'd had in three and a half years. I did this on a full load of gluten and fatigue. I also traveled in December, and through December and early-to-mid-January, I was planning and running the literature track for the best SF/F convention in the Northeast. Also I was sick, and dealing with the trauma from the GI doc.

February was pretty much me struggling to find my footing with the work/life balance, which is normal after three and a half years of unemployment. And other stuff. Honestly at this point I do not remember February. Except that's when I did WTD to get a new laptop, because mine was randomly turning itself off, which - surprise! - is not really conducive to writing.

I got sick March 4 with what turned out to be pneumonia. This knocked me flat on my ass for the entire month of March and I am still not entirely over it. Which is to say, I'm breathing, but I'm still struggling with fatigue; my body is still working on getting back to functional. I slept through every single afternoon of the entire month of March.

Again. Not conducive to writing.

If it wouldn't become a whole 'nother project to get Photoshop and blur out the individual lines of text, I would post a screenshot of my inbox. Rest assured that I have a solid page of red flags and "URGENT" tags. Several of them have to do with exactly these projects.

Rest assured that you have no idea how shitty I feel about this stuff not being done.

Because it fucking eats at me. But half of it, like the "My Empire for Ashes" soundtrack, is waiting for other people. And half of it is -

- look, there is no magical button that you press on me and a story comes out. At least not a good one. What I do is I sit with a thing in the back of my head, the prompt or the idea or whatever, and sooner or later a story forms around that and it comes out. If I sit down and just fling some words up to get you off my back, it's not going to be a good or organic story. Creative work, whether it's writing or art or music or dance, takes time and a certain mindset (read: not pneumonia, etc.). I personally cannot generate it on command. Not work I'm satisfied with.

And I have to be in the mindset for that thing. If I have Cicatrix dancing in my head, it's hard to write Shayara. Et cetera.

*counts in inbox* 36 things that I need to get done like yesterday. And those are just the tagged ones.

And I did a ton of stuff last weekend; it was more that double that.

What I will be doing this weekend is making a very long and very complicated triage list, sorting by type of thing and priority and estimated time to complete and everything, so I can hopefully get a better handle on things and not have the paralysis that comes from looking at a sea of red and thinking "What can I do now? I have no idea."

I am doing my best here, but when you are dealing with this much and this sort of stuff, best != instant gratification for everyone.

And April is Sexual Assault Awareness Month, making it a really busy month at work - plus I'm setting up the next volunteer training, which makes it even busier, so even though I am getting better, I still will need rest and occasional breaks like dancing.

So the thing is this. I am trying. But those things have nothing to do with the BARCC Walk for Change, and I would like for people to not punish a rape crisis center in need of the funding because my pneumonia has prevented me from getting a poem out or because my husband hasn't given me the program to make a soundtrack yet. Because, and I am trying to not be over-aggressive here, that's kinda shitty.

This is not about me; this is not about me raising money for a laptop or my burlesque lessons (got that covered) or whatever.

This is about helping a rape crisis center help survivors of rape and sexual assault.

And if you feel that you can't do that because you have a problem with something unrelated that I did or did not do, so be it. That's your choice, and I'm sorry that it's the choice you've made. Hopefully you see where I am on all this, which is sick, busy adjusting to massive life changes, exhausted, and frustrated (and probably more upset about this stuff not being done than you are). (EDIT: And rest assured that there's also a LOT of stuff I'm not saying here wrt big life stuff to manage.)
Comments 
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2nd-Apr-2010 11:53 pm (UTC)
Co-signing this comment.

(Also, if it lightens your load, that thing we talked about can totally be pushed back until you are less overwhelmed.)
3rd-Apr-2010 12:11 am (UTC)
Oh, to be clear, yours was not one of the things that made me go RAR!

I'm doing up that list tonight, and hopefully the shifting morass of Stuff allows for me to do that this weekend; I'd like to.
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3rd-Apr-2010 12:53 am (UTC)
And there's a lot of stuff that I haven't even mentioned at all that throws the giant chaos monkey wrench in.
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3rd-Apr-2010 01:31 am (UTC)
See, the thing is that I *did* promise these things... so it's not an out-of-the-blue thing.

Would they contact Wyclef Jean and demand he puts more effort into a new album OMGNOW because they contributed to Haiti relief based on his request?

And the Walk for Change stuff has a *lot* more in common with that than it does with my crowdfunded writing. Yes EXACTLY.
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3rd-Apr-2010 01:33 am (UTC)
I don't have money to donate really right now - trying to raise my own cats' medical bills at the moment. But if I did, I would, and bah to those who can't see that you need to take care of yourself too.
3rd-Apr-2010 02:21 am (UTC)
For what it's worth, I've been amazed at how much you've been able to write while working AND being sick AND doing work for charity--and lack of pay does not make something magically less work.
3rd-Apr-2010 03:31 am (UTC)
I think it's incredibly selfish of people to expect you to do something for them to actually want to give to charity.
3rd-Apr-2010 04:22 am (UTC) - *hugs*
Take care of you, Hon.

I'm sorry you are getting this kind of pressure from people...just remember, it is yourself and your family (ie SO's and child) that you need to answer to... NOT anyone else.

Do what you can, but always keep your welfare and your family's welfare first. And don't beat yourself up for not getting to everything.

*HUGS*
3rd-Apr-2010 05:40 am (UTC) - *hugs*
I sympathize. Trying to do one's job in the world from inside a decrepit body is like trying to herd mustangs from inside a broken-down VW bug. Cause yeah, that's gonna work, riiiiight.
3rd-Apr-2010 12:14 pm (UTC)
Good grief!

To whoever triggered this post, I say: "That word 'charity'? I do not think it means what you think it means..."

[HUGS]
3rd-Apr-2010 12:41 pm (UTC)
*hugs*
3rd-Apr-2010 02:41 pm (UTC)
Breathe and hang in there, ok? *HUG*
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