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Scheherazade in Blue Jeans
freelance alchemist
Thinky thoughts about me + sex + Arisia 
20th-Jan-2010 07:34 pm
Hearth
So like I said, I didn't have sex at this Arisia. As is usual for me, there are lots of reasons swirling around my head, and I'll do my best to unpack 'em. Especially because some relate to dating as a whole and are therefore applicable to future situations as well as just-past.

Also, I should start by saying that this was a great con for physical affection. Damn, y'all give great hugs. And cuddles. And sexydancing to s00j + stealthcello. I am just saying. I was bouncing all weekend from that. I am a hug-powered 'song. Also there was delicious flirting.

So the sex.

I didn't actually plan to have sex. I actually planned not to, with one possible exception. Reason for this: Spontaneous first times at Arisia tend to lead to toxic yearlong relationships that should only have been one-night stands. No, really, this is a pattern. And when I see a pattern I don't like, I course-correct. Because, y'know, I am actively engaged in doing things that make me happy and make my life better, and possibly getting into something bad for me because I get swept up in hyper conbrain isn't worth the orgasms. I have a vibrator.

Another preface to this: People also tend to be confused about who I'm dating/not dating. So. The only people I'm in relationships with at present, and for the last over-a-year, are my husband (Adam/yendi) and my boyfriend (feste_sylvain). Why did I not have consex with them? Because Adam and I were sharing a room with our daughter and asim, and feste_sylvain was sharing a room with his wife and daughters. So. There's that out of the way. :)

So here are some of the reasons I didn't have sex with the people I had opportunities to have sex with at Arisia.

Previous Sexual Relationship, but No Time
Oh, dear lady, you know who you are, and it is crazymaking that I barely got to see you.

Previously-Established Interest, but No Time
I'd said "Mmm, we should talk at Arisia!" and never got to, aagh. Had we started flirting a month earlier, maybe something would've happened? But no time to establish how we are with each other physically, and no time for exploration to be done right.

Also some people I'm been flirting with for a *long* time. But. Just insufficient time for exploration.

Now we get to the ones I'm not as fond of.

No Previously Established Interest, and Suddenly You Are All Nice Boots, Wanna Fuck?
Wait, what? We are acquaintances, and we've either never talked about this before or talked about it once years ago, and suddenly you are all like "we should totally do it." Um? In another circumstance, yeah, doing it could be something I'd consider. But. When I'm running around a con doing four at-con jobs and only having about ten-15 minutes leeway at best, and you suddenly reveal that you would like to tap that ass - I do not have the time or energy or brain-cycles that it would take to reframe you in my mind from general acquaintance to potential lover or even fuckbuddy. That takes a bit of transition. With me that busy? No way that transition can be achieved. And yes, this was multiple people. And some of those people's approaches lead into...

"You're Hot Now That You're Not Fat."
Which, let me be clear, no one actually said, but it was, in some cases, an impression I got. And I need to unpack that a bit, especially for the new people.

I have an unfortunately-impressive roster of chronic illnesses. One of the side effects of some of the illnsses and some of the medications? Weight gain and weight loss. (For purposes of visualization, I'm 4'11".)
* In 2001, I put on weight because I was no longer having stress-related migraines half the month and was therefore no longer dreadfully nauseous all the time. (Best divorce evar.)
* In 2003, when I was diagnosed with epilepsy, the first medication I was put on dropped me 30 pounds in two months, and I continued losing until I'd lost 50 pounds and was hovering at a skeletal 85 pounds.
* In 2006, I started taking Lyrica. Main side effect of Lyrica? Weight gain. I started gaining weight immediately, putting on more than I'd lost, ending up around 155 at last year's Arisia.
* In 2009, I got off Lyrica and had another precipitous weight drop, which we think now was a function of the celiac. This time, I've not gone skeletal. I'm generally ~122, plus or minus two pounds, these days. This was quite deliberate - when I saw how fast I was losing weight, I went out of my way to get more exercise and build muscle.

So really, it has been about ten years since I've consistently looked how I look in my head, since my outside has matched my inside. I'm starting to have less disconnect when I look in the mirror. Finally.

So that weight range, 85 to 155 over the course of a few years, has been a real eye-opener with regards to how we treat people of different body sizes and shapes. I got disgust when I was too thin, with the clear assumption being that I was anorexic or bulimic. I got disgust or just being flat-out ignored as a woman when I was fat.

And now I'm at a body shape that, while I feel it could use a tad more streamlining in the belly and upper thighs, is pretty close to the societal ideal.

And all y'all who did not look twice at me last year when I was chubby are coming out of the fucking woodwork.

And I do not like it.

Look. If you look at who I've dated or schtupped or married or whatever, you'll see a wide range of body types. You'll see heavier people and thinner people, tall people and short people, people of various races and genders. Because I like the person. The body is irrelevant, save for physical compatibiliy (read: I am a small person and some of y'all are hung like bull elephants and no, from you no fisting, thanks). I'm there for the brain and the heart.

And when you didn't even give me a second look when my body didn't conform to that narrow societal ideal, but now you are on me like white on rice?

The message I'm taking from that is that you'd like to fuck the body, but you could take or leave the girl.

And one of the things I've been processing over years of body malfunction is that this body is not me. This body is meat and it does not work and it does not reflect the person I am.

Look at my eyes, not my tits.
Read my stories, not the undulation of my hips.
If you don't want me?
I don't want you.

Because I am fucking awesome.

And I'll be the best sex you never had.

Let's unpack the I am fucking awesome, too. Because this is a realization I've been working on, and it's worth sharing for said future potential dating experiences. And it may sound egotistical, but I am not an egomonster; I have the hardest damn time taking a compliment really. This is more a self-preservation thing.

I have, in the past, made stupid decisions in order to have teh hot sex. How did I stop?

Y'all, I do not have time.

I do not have time for bullshit drama. I do not have time to figure out mixed signals. I do not have time to coddle or be coddled. I am full speed ahead and damn the torpedoes. I fight crime and write science fucking fiction and raise the next generation of kick-ass chicks, I dance and I'm teaching myself to cook and I'm studying physics and neuroscience, I make things and enact social change every day of my life. Hey. My life is packed. And did you see that list of activities? Do you get the message of that list of activities?

That message is that my life is awesome and I am awesome.

And I ain't got time to play around with things what are not awesome.

So if you want me?

You need to be awesome.

My husband is a writer and a many-striped geek and so hilarious that I fell in love with him on the internet sight unseen. My boyfriend? Makes bomb-detecting robots.

They are awesome.

And they don't give me shit, and they love me no matter what I look like.

Because they're all about the girl. Body's fun, too. :) But they want me.

So if you want me? Make it clear that you want me. None of this spur-of-the-moment "nice boots" stuff. None of the fat-shaming stuff, where my medical conditions made me unfuckable until one of them brought me down to a weight range you find hot to the exclusion of all others. And take your damn time with me, because I'm worth it. Half an hour ain't gonna cut it.

And be awesome.

And the thing is, you probably already are awesome, and I want to you embrace it. You don't have to build robots to be awesome. (But it helps.) Right now? You probably already do something that's awesome.

And not that I'm trying to pick you up? But I want you to tell me what it is. Because realizing that I am awesome has saved me from a cycle of bad decisions, and maybe it could do the same for you, and then, hey, everyone's happy. Or maybe you already know you're awesome and need no help from me. But I still want to hear it. Sing it loud, sing it proud.

(And maybe someday I'll have the bandwidth to date again. That would be cool. But I only date the awesome.)
Comments 
21st-Jan-2010 12:47 am (UTC)
Fuck yeah. Rock on, lady.
21st-Jan-2010 12:49 am (UTC)
Regyt! Kick-ass lawyer and maker of awesome things! You are awesome! (Also, thank you for the yarn!)
21st-Jan-2010 12:59 am (UTC)
*applause*
21st-Jan-2010 01:11 am (UTC)
I get worked up on somethin', I start droppin' my "g"s. I believe you have heard this happen. :)
21st-Jan-2010 01:01 am (UTC)
In roughly this order: Awh! Ugh! and a heartfelt Amen.
21st-Jan-2010 01:08 am (UTC)
God damn, woman. I love you. I love your heart. I love your spirit. I love your strength. I love your brain. I love that you exist, and that you have a geeky hubby and a wonderful daughter and a boyfriend that builds robots that blow up bombs. You're just a marvel in and of yourself, and I am very glad to be in a universe that has you in it.

And since you asked, I am awesome because I am curious and strong and pigheaded and tenacious. I am awesome because I am not afraid to look in the dark corners, and I am awesome because I have built the skills to help others, and I am awesome because I will keep going, even when I'm afraid. Especially when I'm afraid. I will not be defeated, and someday, I will dance.
21st-Jan-2010 01:09 am (UTC)
Yes! You see your awesomeness! I love that in you. *big hugs*
21st-Jan-2010 01:14 am (UTC)
teaching myself to cook

If you don't have it yet, get The Best Recipe by the Cook's Illustrated folks. Even the weird-sounding recipes are delicious, and they tell you in engineer-like detail what they want you to do. In addition, the fried chicken recipe is obviously perfect, since it differs from my mother's in only one detail: They use TWO paper bags for the flouring instead of one. (ha!)

And for the rest... sex with someone who is non-awesome, and with whom I don't have a solid connection, should not even be graced with the same terminology as the real thing. Awesome + awesome = (insufficient words).
21st-Jan-2010 01:17 am (UTC)
I'll look for it! I've always been more into baking, because that's more science than art, but in the wake of the celiac diagnosis, I'm having to rethink a lot of stuff that had previously been intuitive.

sex with someone who is non-awesome, and with whom I don't have a solid connection, should not even be graced with the same terminology as the real thing.

Yeah. Sex with that connection is just exponentially better. In the past, I've sometimes settled for sex without, but there's enough awesome in my world these days that I really never have to settle again.
21st-Jan-2010 01:14 am (UTC)
More people need to make posts like this.
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(Deleted comment)
21st-Jan-2010 01:28 am (UTC)
<3
21st-Jan-2010 01:35 am (UTC)
hells yeah!

when i'm at my most ambivalent about losing weight, something like the above re: fat-vs-not and attraction-vs-not runs through my head on little cat feet.

'cause if they don't want to fuck me now, i'm not going to want to fuck them if i'm ever thin.

you are made of awesome. :)
21st-Jan-2010 01:35 am (UTC)
See, if I didn't already know you?
I'd read that and either go, "obviously I don't rate" or "wow, what a psychotic egomaniacal crazy person, I should stay away".

*wry smile*
21st-Jan-2010 02:16 am (UTC)
Yeah, I worried about that, but felt in the end that it was worth the declaration.

And darlin', you already know you rate!
21st-Jan-2010 01:42 am (UTC)
Oh, fuck yes. Silly people are silly.
21st-Jan-2010 01:44 am (UTC)
Sing it strong.
21st-Jan-2010 01:51 am (UTC)
You are definitely awesome, I have to say.


And the only problem I have with cons is that there are some people who attend whose attention is very hard to hold for longer than a few minutes.
21st-Jan-2010 02:17 am (UTC)
And I'm one of 'em, I know. The problem with having a few hundred of my closest friends there...
21st-Jan-2010 01:53 am (UTC) - Because I am fucking awesome.
yeah you got that right.

I never did get a chance to hug you hello this time.

****You need to be awesome.*****

I am so working on that.
(Deleted comment)
21st-Jan-2010 02:17 am (UTC)
Right back atcha, love.
(Deleted comment)
(Deleted comment)
21st-Jan-2010 02:19 am (UTC)
Forgot to mention how completely on board I am with the calling bullshit on the "so now that you are socially acceptable size, wanna fuck" dynamic.
21st-Jan-2010 02:33 am (UTC)
Excellent. Because that really, really bugs me.
21st-Jan-2010 02:21 am (UTC)
Yes! This!

You know, I've never met you IRL. But you know what? I already know that you area damn sexy, and beautiful, and vibrant (and I don't just mean in body - I mean in spirit and all the other ways that count too).

So yes, you ARE awesome ;)

And because you asked, I am awesome because I am passionate about the things I love, and I am very loyal to the people I love, and because when I love I love with my whole heart and spirit, and because I love to dance and sing, and because I am a giant geeeeek.
21st-Jan-2010 02:32 am (UTC)
This is a really awesome and open entry. Thanks for trusting us with all this!
21st-Jan-2010 02:42 am (UTC)
On the weight/appearance/attraction thing: I totally get this and it definitely resonates with me. I've also always found you hot, which you know, so there's that. What makes you even hotter right now for those of us who know you and care about you, IMO, is how much happier and healthier and more energized you are. Energized 'Song is doubly hot and awesome, is what I'm sayin' (I come by that dropped 'g' thing naturally too!)

ETA: I'm not sure I made it clear but yes, the "you are now thinner, let's do it" thing is so beyond fucked up. And high-school/college-esque.

Edited at 2010-01-21 02:43 am (UTC)
(Deleted comment)
21st-Jan-2010 07:25 pm (UTC)
I get that it's not the weight you choose to be at, or might not be healthy for you

*nods* The number on the scale is far less important than whether I feel healthy... and I was carrying too much weight for my body. It was exacerbating the pain issues and impairing movement. So I'm not like "everybody much lose weight!", more like "everybody should try to be at a weight/size/shape at which they feel comfortable/makes their body happy".

And thank you. :)
21st-Jan-2010 03:11 am (UTC)
Sister! We are awesome. You are fire, I am mist.
21st-Jan-2010 01:20 pm (UTC)
Oooh, I want to play! What am I? >.>
21st-Jan-2010 04:42 am (UTC)
I've never met you and know you only from your LJ.

But I concur. You are awesome.
21st-Jan-2010 06:20 am (UTC)
You and I are *very* different on this, and I find that absolutely fascinating because we are similar on a lot of other fronts.

Then again, you are entirely and positively secure in Who You Are, while I'm still stumbling around with a half broken flashlight trying to find the lightswitch (even though I know the power's been cut). I wonder if that's where the difference is: all I know is what is on the outside of me, and all you know is the insides of you.

PS: good on you for being picky!
21st-Jan-2010 06:38 am (UTC)
do I tell you often enough that I love you?
I love you.
My heart keeps having to grow in order to make room. :)
((NOM nom nom hug))

Edited at 2010-01-21 06:51 am (UTC)
26th-Jan-2010 03:29 pm (UTC)
You make me sillygrin like whoa. <3
21st-Jan-2010 06:52 am (UTC)
'Song, as always, no list of awesome is complete without you on it.

Edited to ditto "oh hai hot nao". Ew.

Edited at 2010-01-21 06:52 am (UTC)
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