I need to find a way to bring money into this house that doesn't rule out doing all of the other things I'm doing.
For all that I've had a few crazybusy weeks lately, I actually have a pretty good work/life balance. It's just that the work doesn't pay anything.
We can't help feeling that me getting a job would take a lot away from the family, and probably from my health. It would improve my state of mind to be bringing money in, but it would be difficult for me to not have time for important stuff.
I juggle quite a few doctor appointments in any given month. I have the primary care doc when necessary, but I have regular appointments with the neurologist and rheumatologist, irregular appointments with the allergist, rare appointments with the pulmonologist, and I really should check in with a cardiologist. And now I'll have a gastroenterologist. Yeah, I've been feeling healthier than I've been in some time, but that takes work. *wry smile* And I really only manage this because my schedule is so flexible.
I have BARCC, which is vitally important to me. And again - flexible schedule.
I'm able to be home in the afternoons for Elayna, which I find invaluable.
And, you know, there is the writing of stuff. And any number of other things; I take on a lot because it needs to get done and I can fit chunks of stuff in between other stuff.
And I still do have fatigue ranging unpredictably from manageable to insurmountable.
My life works because I have few commitments outside the home, and I make my own schedule on those commitments, for the most part. I fear that if I give up half of my time, shit is gonna snowball - I fear that the fatigue will prevent me from doing any of the other things I need to be doing.
I am just winging a fervent hope out into the world for a job I can do from home or make my own schedule on, something flexible enough to work with my health. Or for me to just figure something out. There has to be something.
EDIT: I should mention something that compounds the finding-work thing.
I don't have a college degree. Indeed, I do not even have a high school diploma. "Residential treatment centers" and "wilderness survival programs" meant that I really only had about a year and a half of high school. The school credit they were supposed to assign never materialized. I found out at the end of my senior year that I wouldn't be graduating; I had the choice of staying in Utah and doing a second and maybe third senior year, or getting out and just getting my GED. I chose the latter. When I had Elayna (at age 21), I went to community college, but had to leave when I got a job, as I couldn't manage work + single parenthood + school.
Factors beyond my control, yeah, but there's still a certain amount of shame there. So I don't talk about it a whole lot. My guys have seen me cry over this.
It is worthy of note, though, because it helps to explain why finding non-retail work is difficult. Most positions in my skillset require a degree. Which is why I have such fierce hopes for BARCC: since I've been working with them for two years, they know I can do the job, and I do not believe my lack of degree will be a sticking point at all.