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Scheherazade in Blue Jeans
freelance alchemist
Liminal Space 
1st-Sep-2009 09:35 am
Dancer/Holy Ground - by Iroshi
So earlier this summer, I was granted an unprecedented gift from the universe.

A pause button.

I had the time and space to just be, just think. And the more I realized that's what I had, the more I realized that I had never had that before. Ever.

I had never had the time to sit and weigh options and decide what I wanted. I have the reflexes of a soldier in wartime, I've been told. There has always been so much hitting me all at once, from all directions. My mind is perpetually like my body is on Thanksgiving Day - constantly in motion, constantly in an intricate dance of get shit done, weighing options in a fraction of a heartbeat and making the lightning-fast judgment call because I don't have time to linger and because no one else can or will. I make combat decisions. My first husband was a martial artist who was taken aback, literally speechless, by my speed. Adam, Wendy, and Bret were stunned when I tripled (I think it was tripled, could've been quadrupled) their scores at a shoot-the-aliens-and-save-the-humans game at DisneyQuest.

Because when everything is happening rightnow and it lands on you, you learn to aim and fire accurately at a dead run. Because you have to. And that becomes reflex.

And then I got a pause button.

I got this amazing time of stillness. And I spent my summer evaluating those piled-up decisions, one by one, and figuring out if I decided well. I deconstructed the decisions that needed unpcking. I looked at decisions that I'd kept up in the air because they did require more thought, would have catastrophic results if I didn't give them more thought. And I took my time.

For once in my life, I had time to take. :)

Eventually, I began to worry that I had become too addicted to that stillness, to that liminal space, to that pause button. Would I be able to step out into action again?

So I woke up the next day and pinged a friend who's been the subject of one of those pending big choices, and said "Hey, got time to talk about this? Because I'm ready to move forward." And he was, and we did.

And I'm keeping on. I am back in motion.

I will be doing my best to preserve that stillness within my dance, though. No lightning-fast pullthetriggergogogo. Waltz, not dervish.

Balance.

Grace.
Comments 
1st-Sep-2009 02:03 pm (UTC)
I read this whole entry.
1st-Sep-2009 02:08 pm (UTC)
"When you are in doubt, be still, and wait; when doubt no longer exists for you, then go forward with courage. So long as the mists envelop you, be still; be still until the sunlight pours through and dispels the mists - as it surely will. Then act with courage."
- (Ponca) Chief White Eagle
1st-Sep-2009 02:09 pm (UTC)
Yes. :)
1st-Sep-2009 02:23 pm (UTC)
Just remember, you always have that pause button available. Even if you use it for nothing more than spending a quiet hour on a bench on the Boston Common or the Public Garden.

Just standing around and watching the hustle and bustle of activity in and around Boston Harbor, you, personally, are a little island of quiet - unaffected by all of that activity taking place. Even amidst all that activity, you can be paused in reflection.

Edited at 2009-09-01 02:23 pm (UTC)
1st-Sep-2009 02:34 pm (UTC)
Have the opportunity and the skill to do both is a good thing. I think its easy to get "addicted" to either state, so its worth thinking about and watching, but I've found, when I move with bliss, I very naturally ease in an out of each of these states when the circumstances fit. When I start fighting myself is when I start getting stuck here or there.
1st-Sep-2009 02:47 pm (UTC)
Have I mentioned how much I envy your perceptiveness and self-awareness sometimes? This is one of those times.
7th-Sep-2009 01:03 am (UTC)
It's hard-won!
1st-Sep-2009 02:52 pm (UTC) - *deep breath*
I'm glad you found yourself in that space, and you recognized it. Being able to access it yourself is a valuable skill. Trying to stay conscious of one's state is a tough thing, and helping yourself into better states takes practice and awareness (or vice versa). I'm still practicing. Since you've set your mind on it, I'm sure you'll do well at keeping that liminal space in a place inside yourself, so you can step in at need and give yourself a few deep breaths.

(this comment was brought to you by the word "yourself.")
1st-Sep-2009 03:08 pm (UTC)
Liminal is one of my favorite words ever. Back when I was still pursuing an initiatory path, I considered taking Limina for my magickal name.
1st-Sep-2009 04:31 pm (UTC)
That sounds truly wonderful.
1st-Sep-2009 07:13 pm (UTC)
And this showed a little later on my friends list... how universe-y

From T Thorn Coyle:

..."and in the swirling stillness, there is nothing. Nothing. Nothing" resounded at the end of this morning's dream. I spoke it to the "teacher" and in the dream, this made me smile. I could sense the power of it, like the tolling of a great bell. In the midst of it all, I felt centered and alive.

We fill up our days with activity. We fill up our lives with worry and with stuff. I sit at a desk this morning that needs another round of excavation, and look upon a jam packed day. But that does not mean that the stillness does not rest inside me. I feel it, in my core, and it taps the soul directly into that which is Not This, Not That. For you see, that sense of nothingness is the everything that comes with liberation.

I will try to carry that spacious nothingness with me today as I: drink my tea, meditate, get my ass kicked by a personal trainer I'm doing a trade with, go to the soup kitchen, get some work done, eat dinner with a friend, meet up with the esoteric study group... A very full day, centered around stillness.

Like a stone. Dropping into a pool. May it ripple.

Breathe.
1st-Sep-2009 08:23 pm (UTC)
Balance is definitely the key. Sometimes it's hard to find, but if you're determined to find it, you will.
2nd-Sep-2009 02:44 pm (UTC)
I could use one of those right now.
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